Lower Your Standards

"Clean yourself up a little and lower your standards 10% and you'll be amazed at what will happen."

This 'lower your standards' advice is something you see a lot.  It's generally sourced from attractive people at a homely friend.  Often times, the homely friend is trying to date the attractive person, and the attractive person is all 'ewwww no I love you but not that way'.  Because, you know.  The friend is sweet and smart and funny and kind and decent and really nice and will pay attention to the attractive person whenever the attractive person doesn't have anything better to do but, um, go out with them?  Uh, no, no, not while there are still attractive assholes in the world.  No THANK you.

A lot of the really good looking people in the world seem to earnestly feel that all the homely fat uggoes should just pair off and leave them alone.  I get this.  I just have no respect for it.  It's cruel and it's mean and it's selfish.  We should try to be better than this.

Look, I understand that nobody can really control who they are or are not attracted to.  You can't flip a switch.  People feel how they feel.  Human mating rituals are not logical, they are entirely predicated on feelings and hormones and reactions and responses that nobody has any kind of conscious control over. 

But here's what we can control -- how we behave as a response to those emotions.  And just as we homely uggoes (yes, I'm a homely uggoe, I'm just one who has been lucky enough to somehow win the love and passion of a smart funny competent beautiful woman) have a basic social responsibility to not be assholes over how other people feel about us (especially to not express ourselves with violence), so too do all the Lucky Ones out there have a responsibility to not be any meaner and crueler than they have to be. 

You don't have to date anyone or sleep with anyone or touch anyone you don't want to. 

But maybe you shouldn't try quite so hard to set your homely fat uggoe friends up with other homely fat uggo friends. Maybe you should stop thinking so much about what a relief it would be if your homely fat uggo friend got him or herself a homely fat uggo significant other. 

Maybe you could even try appreciating someone for how they act instead of how they look.

A Dream Of Typing

A love of reading was an early gift to me from my mother -- well, her, and the idiot alpha males at every school I ever attended whose bullying made my early attempts at socialization a living hell (thanks, guys).  I started early on science fiction (Mom always had something by Ray Bradbury or Arthur C. Clarke or Robert A. Heinlein or A.E. Van Vogt  laying around the house) and have read probably billions of words of the crap since.  Around 9 or 10 I started trying to write my own, and in my life have probably written billions of words, too, much of which is available in various unsavory places throughout the Internet (the latest of which is Facebook).  



And sometimes, because of all this reading and writing, I dream... in text.



I mean, I see what I'm dreaming, and I experience the dream, but as I do, I also visualize it as lines on a page.  Which is, you know, weird.  But you hang around me even a little, you're going to hear that word a lot. Probably use it quite often, too.



Anyway, while right now I am rereading Martha Wells' excellent THE FALL OF ILE-RIEN trilogy.



So this morning I woke up and these are the words I had dreamed:



* Sir Vagmar had already donned his chainmail by the time his squire arrived at his side, but the heavy breastplate yet remained to be put on him.  The travails of the road had tolled on both of them, and Sir Vagmar had lost flesh.  His breath was crisp in the chill winter air as he flexed his fingers and looked doubtfully down at his sadly lessened girth.



"D'you think I can wear the breastplate, Kayle?" he asked, wringing his fingers together, tentatively at first, then flexing and squeezing more strongly, to drive the stiffness from the joints. 



"Aye, sir," the squire said, "if I stuff your shirt with snow."



The knight nodded.  "Do it, then." *



And, newly awake, I thought about this for a minute and then said  to myself...



"Stuff his shirt with SNOW?  What the fuck, dude?"



The universe is permeated with the odor of kerosene.

Tan While You Can, Monkeyboy

'TANJ'.  'There Ain't No Justice'.  A coinage come up with by Larry Niven, in his KNOWN SPACE universe, to state a basic and fundamental truth.

'TANJ' is almost certainly inspired by 'TANSTAAFL', the similar aphorism often expressed in Robert A. Heinlein's brilliant THE MOON IS A HARSH MISTRESS.  There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch is probably about as true as There Ain't No Justice.  Which is to say, it's very much true for the uncaring universe at large.  Where both justice and a free lunch exist, they do so because somebody decided to make it so, in defiance of a cold and brutal cosmos.

If there were justice in the world, Peter Weller would never had had to make LEVIATHAN.  Or SHAKEDOWN.  Or SCREAMERS.  Or ROBOCOP 2.  (He wouldn't have had to make ROBOCOP either, but I'm hoping he'd have chosen to on the basis of the awesome script.)  He would not have had to make any of these dismal pieces of drek, because BUCKAROO BANZAI would be bigger than Bond, bigger than STAR WARS, bigger than INDIANA JONES and all the Marvel Cinematic Universe franchises put together.

He would never have had to make any movies he didn't want to, because he'd have kept busy making:

BUCKAROO BANZAI VS THE WORLD CRIME LEAGUE
BUCKAROO BANZAI:  FIND THE JET CAR SAID THE PRESIDENT
BUCKAROO BANZAI: THE STRANGE CASE OF MR. CIGARS
BUCKAROO BANZAI : LEPERS FROM SATURN
BUCKAROO BANZAI:  SUPERSIZE THOSE FRIES
BUCKAROO BANZAI:  RETURN OF THE SCREW

and they would all have been brilliant, and lucrative, and made him billions of dollars.

But There Ain't No Justice, so none of that ever happened.

If Only You Knew The Power Of The Stupid Side

"Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

I was 19 years old the first time I saw EMPIRE. I loved every second of that movie... but when we got to this part, the infamous "I am your father" scene, my bullshit detector went into overdrive.

"Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

What does this even mean?

The only feelings Luke can reasonably have at this point for Darth Vader are hatred and revulsion and anger. All Luke knows about the guy is that he blew up his friend's homeworld, captured her and his other friends and had them tortured, and, according to his Jedi mentor, he killed Luke's dad.

So what 'feelings' is it Darth is urging Luke to 'search' that will validate this outrageous claim?

This seems to presume that there is some kind of basic, essential bond between them. Because they are father and son, Luke will 'feel' something towards Darth -- 'feel' that Darth is actually his biological father (Darth certainly didn't raise him or parent him in any meaningful emotional or social way).

This is the same spurious nonsensical horseshit that causes our judicial system to always give preference to biological parents over adoptive ones, and it's just fucking stupid.

Leaving that aside, and staying strictly within the context of STAR WARS canon -- if there is some mysterious 'feeling' between Luke and Darth that exists simply because of blind biology and genetics, why doesn't Darth feel it for Lea? Or Lea feel it for Darth? Why don't Luke and Lea get a big hit of it when Lea's tongue is in Luke's mouth?

I'm aware, at the point that Darth gives this speech, Lucas hasn't decided that Luke and Lea are siblings yet. But I don't care. That's meta shit. This 'search your feelings, you know it to be true' bit of business is the only hard evidence Darth is offering Luke -- and us, in the audience -- for an utterly insane, unbelievable claim. That it is very nearly a melodramatic necessity within the hoary tropes of the kind of pulp fiction Lucas is pastiching with STAR WARS is beside the point -- if you're going to reveal that your big villain is actually your hero's biological father, you need better evidence to support the claim than this.

For years afterward, right up until 1983's RETURN OF THE JEDI (those three years were my college years, so they seem much much longer than three years seems now that I'm verging on old age), my friends and I would talk about whether or not Darth was really Luke's father, or it was just a scam. On the one side, of course, we'd argue that George Lucas never met a cliche he didn't immediately want to incorporate into fourteen different projects. On the other, though, we'd come back, it's SUCH a cliche, and it makes so little actual sense, and God we hoped Darth was lying.

It was the Late Great Jeff Webb (at that time Great, but not yet Late) who came up with what I thought was the most brilliant idea -- that Darth was both lying and telling the truth. That the 'Clone Wars' referred to but not explained in any detail had actually been a plot by the Emperor, before he ascended to that lofty post, to take over the Galaxy by substituting evil clones under his command for powerful figures in the Galactic government. That his first success in this ploy had been the substitution of an evil clone for influential Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker.

And once the Emperor rose to power and replaced the Republic with the Empire, his first cloned minion had shaken off the name of his biological template and taken a new name -- Darth Vader.

So Darth isn't Luke's father, he's an evil clone of Luke's father. He DID kill Anakin Skywalker -- he had to, to take his place.

Obviously, Lucas chose not to go that way... given that the idea is a novel and original one no one would ever have seen coming (except the Late Great Jeff Webb) , it's something that never would have occurred to the monstrous hack known as George Lucas. Lucas instead embraced his idiotically trite piece of corn, and then heaped more corn on top of it -- not only was Darth the father of Luke, but Lea was Luke's twin sister! Never mind the fact that Luke was raised at one end of the Galaxy and Lea at the other, never mind that Luke and Darth apparently share 'feelings' they can 'search' to prove their relationship when Darth and Lea had no such similar feelings while she was spitting on him or he was torturing her, or that Luke and Lea also had no such family feelings for each other when they were making out in front of Han. (And don't even get me started on the Ewoks.)

People talk about moments when a certain fictional franchise 'jumped the shark'. To me, that moment with STAR WARS comes with establishing the father-son relationship between Darth and Luke. It's just fucking nonsense. But Lucas compounds it with his later determination that Luke and Lea are also twins. And that particular bit of canon has informed and corrupted everything done in the STAR WARS franchise since then, running both forwards and backwards in time.

If only they'd been smart enough to let the Late Great Jeff Webb do their plotting for them.

Or anyone who was capable of actually writing something.

Keep It Tight

Random thoughts on gaming:

Games are, boiled down to their most basic level, devices designed to create and release tension in a satisfying manner.   If a game does not create tension, then it cannot release tension in any manner, satisfying or unsatisfying.  A game that does not create tension will be generally regarded as boring and/or stupid.  This is generally why, after you've reached a certain age/stage of intellectual development, you no longer play tic tac toe. 

Similarly, if you've ever played a challenging video game,  you'll understand the overwhelming temptation of using cheat codes.  Some cheat codes can actually help the game experience (there is no reason, for example, why I should have to do a bunch of stupid, arbitrary, pointless quests before I can put Captain America in his correct costume; the cheat code that unlocks all the costumes just lets me play the game the way I want to play it from the beginning).   Those that make your character invincible, however, quickly become tiresome.  If your character can walk through walls, destroy any opposition by pushing a particular code, and cannot be hurt by anything in the game, you're going to find that game tedious pretty quickly. 

As a side note, the major problem with cheat codes is, once you've learned them, you cannot unlearn them.  Now, on modern gaming platforms where cheat codes require elaborate, very specific manipulation of extremely complex controllers, this is okay... if you decide you really want to play ULTIMATE ALLIANCE with the costumes locked, then you just don't spend five minutes putting in a ten-twiddle sequence.  But with old school videogames like DOOM, once you learn that toggling on the map and then typing in 'johnwu' gives you complete indestructibility, it becomes really hard not to do that whenever you find yourself up to your ass in necromantically reanimated demons.  But if you do this every time you get in a jam, again, the game is not fun.  You need to get killed forty or fifty times in that one cul de sac, and experience that truly unbelievable level of frustration, in order to get any sense of accomplishment and enjoyment out of finally managing to get the crucial combination of (a) the exactly precise save point you need before triggering the trap and (b) harvesting enough ammo and healing potions prior to getting to that point to get through the onslaught. 

All of these observations apply absolutely in a roleplaying game.  If a roleplaying game does not generate tension, it will not be fun or enjoyable.  That is the very first prerequisite.  No matter what else a roleplaying game does, it must generate tension among its players.  Otherwise, they won't enjoy playing it. 

Now, roleplaying games have a unique challenge in doing this, because a roleplaying game is not supposed to be competitive... by which I mean, there is really no way to 'win' or 'lose' a roleplaying game.  In standard, competitive games, tension is produced by the normal human desire to achieve success at whatever arbitrary goal the game has set... usually but not always, being the first player to get your game piece from point A to point B while legitimately satisfying all the game's requirements.

But in a roleplaying game, there is no point A or point B or point C.  Yes, there are scenarios in which there are things that one wants to accomplish, presumably... kill the monster, outwit the trap, get the treasure -- rinse and repeat, ad infinitum nauseum.  But you don't 'win' when you get the treasure, and you don't lose when the monster kills you.  If the monster kills you, you roll up a new character and use that character to try to defeat the trap and get the treasure.  Roleplaying games, like life, just go on.

So the Game Master of a roleplaying game needs to generate tension, in an environment where his or her players really cannot win or lose.  How do you do that? 

You have to make your players invest their emotions in your game. 

If your players don't give a shit about their character or the game setting, it's going to be hard to get them to invest emotionally in your game.  If they don't invest emotionally in your game, you will find it difficult or impossible to generate tension.   Now, even when you have a boring game, GMs can usually rely on two age old stand bys to get their players interested in the game:  greed and bloodlust.  But even these will only take you so far, because the underlying truth is, none of it is real.   People get sated with virtual treasure and magic items, and imaginary viscera, really quickly.  If you're going to go this route, you have to keep amping it up.  Your players may start out snorting chests of gold coins and class I swords and maybe hacking the hand off an orc or two, but pretty soon, they'll be skin popping magic jewels and flaming axes and gruesomely described impalements (with accompanying lovingly detailed sketches in a notebook by that one inevitable guy in the group who can draw) and before you know it, they're mainlining godlike magical armor and enchanted wildebeestes and entire villages are being put to the sword. 

And then everyone gets bored and that one guy in the group that nobody really likes says "I wanna run Shadow-Quest where everybody is a member of a Japanese vampire ninja clan!" and everybody is like "Okay, whatever". 

How do you get people to care about your game setting and their character?  Well, originality will help; if your game setting is just another fourth rate Xerox of Middle Earth with the serial numbers sawed off and everybody gets to play a drow because Drzzt is just so bitchin then you've put yourself in a bad position. 

On the other hand, if you're  a serious Tolkien scholar and you have actually sat down and drawn up real, detailed maps of Middle Earth from the actual source material and you want to GM a faithfully nuanced, accurate version of Middle Earth set at some point, say, a thousand years before Bilbo found the One Ring... you might find some people who would care about that.  

Similarly, eschew generic and/or interchangeable characters.  The characters for YOUR game should be characters that cannot be played in any other game.  If you have players who have 12th level paladins from 'the other D&D game I play in on Thursdays" and they want to play those characters in YOUR game, it should not be possible for them to do so.  It's not that you shouldn't allow it, it should simply be impossible for them to plug characters from other games into your setting.  If you have an original, detailed setting that people will find interesting, then it will generate original, detailed characters that cannot be played in any other setting. 

Probably the most important thing that a GM can do to ensure their game generates sufficient tension, though, is also the most unpopular thing a GM can do:  you have to limit what characters can do. 

Players hate this.  They want their characters to (a) always be the center of attention while (b) never being defeated, stymied, or frustrated by anyone or anything.  They want to always be able to resolve any situation in their favor, to never be surprised, to never have anything bad happen to them, and especially, to never ever ever have anything occur that makes them or their character look stupid, foolish, inept, or incompetent.

Less thoughtful gamers will simply want huge stats, awesome weapons, and bitchin' magical items that let them kill anything that gets in their way.

More thoughtful gamers will want information.  By which I mean, they will want mechanisms and devices and processes that their character can access which will cause the GM to tell them stuff.  Secret stuff, that nobody else but the GM knows.  Instead of flaming swords and disintegration wands and winged helmets, they want scrying crystals and danger sense and telepathy. 

Because here's the deal:  if you know who the mysterious villain is, if you know which of the NPCs is a traitor, is you know who's scheming to stab you in the back, if you know where all the traps and secret passages are, then nothing will ever happen that makes you feel like an idiot for not figuring it out beforehand.  And nobody wants to feel like an idiot.

But if you know all that stuff, then your game will fail to generate tension.  And even if only one of the characters in your game knows all that stuff, pretty quickly, everyone else who is playing will realize that, hey, this guy always has the inside scoop, so let's listen to him.  And then, again... no tension. 

Boring game.

The key to successful ongoing drama is, make your audience want something... and then, DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM.

With roleplaying games, you don't have to make people want invincible, infallible characters... everybody already does. 

But you must make sure that under no circumstances do you ever allow them to actually HAVE invincible or infallible characters. 

If you do, it is the death of your campaign. 

Before She Freaks

BEFORE SHE FREAKS
Sung to the tune of Carrie Underwood's paen to vandalism and psycho ex girlfriends, "Before He Cheats": 

Right now, she's probably on Facebook 
postin' how she taught me a really good lesson
Right now, she's yakkin on her cell to her moron friend Britney
how I shouldn't a' been messin' 
Right now, she's sittin' down to watch somethin' trashy on her parents' HBO
and she don't know -- 

that the local cops are on her trail
took photographs of all the details
including her name carved in my leather seats
she'll look so damn pretty in an orange jump suit
I hope she digs on that prison food
and maybe next time she'll think before she freaks

Right now, she's probably poppin open her fourth Budweiser
and she's got quite a buzz on
Right now, she's checkin' her baggie and about to make a call 
to her dope dealin cousin
Right now, the deputy sheriff's pullin up 
outside her crappy little mobile home
And she don't know

That the local cops are on her trail
they took photographs of all the details
including her name carved in my leather seats
she'll look so damn pretty in that orange jumpsuit
I hope she digs on that prison food
and maybe next time she'll think before freaks

I might have caused a little trouble for her cell mate
but the next time that she freaks... oh you know it won't be on me

You Always Pay For It

A very bright young fellow I'm privileged to know, recently put up a post about how aggravated he gets with the anti tech 'social media is bad for you get out in the world and have a real conversation' attitude that seems very prevalent among certain people... and that, ironically, we seem to encounter most on social media.

I responded with a lot of old people 'tut tut tut' nonsense about how visual entertainment like TV, movies, and video games (plus Youtube videos, etc) really ARE bad for you, in that they destroy active imagination and ruin the attention span, and that, in general, social media and living in a virtual world inhibit the development of real social skills, and don't help people learn how to deal with real world problems.

Now, these things are true.

But it's probably important to remember, also, that individuals from pre-literate cultures generally had much better eyesight and long term memory than people who know how to read and write do.

New technologies change how we live, how we think, how we behave, how we interact with others. It's not always bad or good. You have to judge what you're losing and what you're gaining and decide if the price you're paying is acceptable in exchange for what it's buying you. And you have to accept that a lot of times, YOU DON'T KNOW.

We know now that TV and movies and video games do indeed cause the atrophy of the active imagination and the attention span (to an extent - binge watching TV shows and playing immersive video games until hunger pangs drive you up out of the basement in search of a sandwich would seem to contradict that last). But the fact that watching movies isn't as healthy for my active imagination as reading a book doesn't mean I'd give up the oeuvre of Frank Capra, or THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALENCE, or ROBOCOP, or THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI: ACROSS THE 8th DIMENSION, for anything you could offer me.

Social media can be wonderful. It can also be bad for you. It's neither all good nor all bad, like nearly everything in the world, it's a mixture, and it depends on how it is used. Used to facilitate real world friendships, I think it's great. Used to substitute for real world interactions, I think it's dangerous and unhealthy.

And I could be wrong.

Reading has no doubt weakened my eyes and my capacity to memorize things by rote, but I wouldn't give up CITIZEN OF THE GALAXY or RED DRAGON or EMERALD EYES or LORD OF LIGHT or BLOOD GAMES or "A Book Burns In Citrusville" or the Englehart DETECTIVE issues or "The Cold Equations" or PROMETHEA or any of those other wonderful things I've read in my lifetime for anything.

Not for anything.

So maybe it's bad for you or maybe it's just something new that is changing the world in ways that we don't yet fully understand and we should just be quiet and let people do what they want to as long as it isn't hurting us.

Yeah.

Seems legit.

Spite

I read an article recently about 'spite voters'. I think it has a lot of truth to it, although I don't think that people are really motivated by how shitty their lives are compared to the lives they see on TV and the movies... I think they're spiteful because they have been forced to live in a world where they are required to behave in a civil manner in public and at work, and it pisses them off.

One shirt I've seen Trump voters wearing a lot - 'Trump 2016 Fuck Your Feelings' This is the battle cry of a shrieking child who is furious and resentful that they can't just spew bile all over everyone they come into contact with that they don't like, for whatever reasons -- that they have to conceal the hate that is their only fuel, because if they do not, if they express that hate the way they want to, they will face real and significant sanctions -- lawsuits that they will lose. Write ups and terminations at their jobs.

It's not that they don't get to live the life they see depicted on network TV that enrages them, though -- it's that they don't get to live the life that their parents and grandparents lived. Where fags stayed in the closet, and minorities didn't dare get uppity in public, women knew their place (I know, the one with the 'Fuck Your Feelings' shirt is a woman, but it constantly surprises me, the number of women, especially really homely ones, who yearn for a world where strong men objectivize them) and non Christians shut up and didn't bother anyone. Where they could tell fag jokes, Jew jokes, Polack jokes, dirty jokes, where they could make fun of the guy running the corner deli's accent and jeer at anyone they saw in public in a turban or a hijab, and it wouldn't cost them anything... where people would still show respect for them, not in spite of their bigotry, but because of it.

Where they were the majority, and the minority had better keep the fuck out of the road when they were out driving.

They are full of hate and spite, but it comes from the fact that they feel they have been denied the opportunity to live in a world where they were comfortable and privileged simply for being born white, American, straight, and Christian (the last two might only be a facade, but that was a price they were willing to pay)... an opportunity that was their birthright.

Because their grandparents Built This. Because their ancestors conquered this continent. Because they are descended from Winners, and should not have to live in a world where Losers can make them do or not do anything at all.

The price all reasonable people pay for civilization -- compromise, tolerance, compassion for strangers -- is a price they are unwilling to pay, and furious they're being forced to pay it anyway.

That's where the spite comes from. That's what Donald Trump pandered to.

Super Insanity

it's important to remember that superheroes are, by our standards, crazy.

The Late Great Jeff Webb once told me an anecdote. While he was attending the Joe Kubert School of Comics Art, he got into a knock down drag out verbal argument with some other student there -- about what, he couldn't even remember. Whether or not Frank Robbins was a good artist, maybe. Anyway, they were screaming at each other as they walked through the building they were in, really shouting and angry.

Jeff said one of his friends pointed out to him later "If you had been Matt Murdock and Bill was Steve Rogers, you'd have been jumping all over the rooftops beating the hell out of each other over that".

And Matt Murdock and Steve Rogers are about the two most reasonable, likable superhumans in the Marvel Universe.

I think if Captain America or Daredevil were confronted with someone shouting racist ephithets, they'd punch the fuck out of that guy. Because in superhero comic books, that's how you resolve issues -- through violence. It's probably the most destructive thing I ever learned, growing up reading them.

I also learned that human life was sacred -- a lesson, sadly, that superhero comics no longer teach. But they're still all about resolving disagreements violently. That's what the customer is paying for and it's never going to change.

Cap would absolutely have sussed out Trump's Russian connections during the campaign, though, and dragged him off to jail for it, and the justice system in the Marvel Universe would have tried and convicted Trump for treason, too.

Of course, to be fair, in the Marvel Universe, Trump would have also been revealed to be a Skrull infiltrator...

So, Dungeons and Dragons, huh?

Here's what they say to me, when I do my usual riff on what a crappy, crappy 'roleplaying system' Dungeons and Dragons is:

Doc, you admit you haven't played D&D since the early 80s. The game has changed since then to the point where it is nearly unrecognizable. The current version of D&D is so much more advanced and sophisticated over what you remember it being that your opinion is no longer even remotely informed. If you'd sit down and play D&D by the current rules, you'd realize it's come a long, long way and you can actually do real roleplaying with it now.

And then I'll say, “hrm, does the All New, All Different D&D still have armor class?”

And they'll heem, and they'll haw, and they'll glance away, and they'll stir the ground with their foot, and they'll get that “Oliver's Army” look on their faces – you know, 'and I would rather be anywhere else than here today'.. but then, they'll admit, grudgingly, because they all know armor class is a truly retarded thing... Er, yeah, it still has armor class. But...

And I'll jump back in: “Does it still have hit points?”

And they'll roll their eyes and admit, yeah, it still has hitpoints, but...

“Alignment?” I'll inquire brightly. “Character class? A magic system where the mages forget their spells and have to rememorize them as soon as they cast them?”

And they'll nod their heads guiltily to each. Because they know this is stupid, they know this isn't remotely how things should reasonably work, I mean, seriously, how in the fuck can you possibly sensibly explain a magic system where you memorize a spell, cast it, and then forget about it and have to re-memorize it? How can that possibly make any sense? And real people don't have alignments or character classes, real people are much more complex and nuanced than that, and they know this as well, just like we all do, and it is only among their fellow D&D nerds that they can forget all this. Whenever they speak to an actual grown up RPG geek with sane expectations from a gaming system, they will inevitably be forced to re-confront once again what a fucking retarded series of abstract dumbass absurd oversimplifications D&D is entirely comprised of.

Just a couple of random examples out of those I listed above, for my more blessed audience members who have never played D&D, so you get a clue what I'm talking about here:

Armor Class - In D&D, if your character wears armor, they become harder to hit. The more armor they wear, the harder to hit they become. So if a character is wearing no armor, an enemy may only need to roll a 7 to hit them on a certain die, but if the same character is wearing full plate, then that same enemy will need to roll an 11 to hit them.

This is simple and convenient and easy to apply, but it in no way reflects the actual physical reality of donning heavy, bulky ablative coverings to deflect and/or absorb some of the damage bad people are trying to do to your sacred bod with various force-applying instruments. In anything remotely approaching real life, even a simpleton understands that armor does not make it harder for an enemy to strike you. It does, in fact, make it easier for them to hit you, by making you haul more weight around which slows your movements and causes you to become tired more quickly.

In reality, many people accept the trade off of being slowed down and tired out by, say, head to toe kevlar, by the reassurance that when bad people try to damage them with fists or boots or various unpleasant devices designed to do harm, the head to foot kevlar will reduce the damage that is done to them.

But it's easier and more convenient to simply combine all this into one table with one dice roll. I get that. But 'easier and more convenient' are the enemies of real roleplaying beyond the most rudimentary level. Real roleplaying with depth and nuance requires that one play something like three dimensional characters; those characters need to be defined in ways that are not abstracted for the sake of game convenience, so you need a system whereby combat works the way we all know it actually works. Instead of having one roll, you need at least two -- one where somebody tries to hit someone else, and armor actually makes it easier for that to happen, because the person wearing armor is slowed down by its bulk and weight, and then, if that roll succeeds, another in which damage is inflicted, and the armor modifies that damage.

And it's twice as many rolls. But if you don't do it this way, then you're not roleplaying, you're just fantasy adventure gaming.

Everything about D&D is designed to simply and conveniently boil down various complex and nuanced aspects of characterization, the acquisition and use of skills, and the way physical damage effects people. The magic system is not designed to seem believable, it is meant to be 'balanced'. And I haven't even mentioned 'experience points', which are these wonderful things that descend from the sky whenever a player character accomplishes a particular task, which can be spent on improving the character's skills... or re-memorizing the spells that they've already learned once, and having cast, have now forgotten.

Nor have I mentioned the fact that even in 'modern' D&D, which is so much more complex and nuanced and credible, one often still finds 'cure light wound' and 'cure serious wound' potions lying around the landscape, just because these things make it easier for the player characters to survive fights. In any kind of sensible reality, magic potions that instantly heal various traumatic injuries would have to be insanely valuable and expensive, and you'd think they'd be somewhat difficult to manufacture, too... but, nope, there they are, just lying around everywhere on the other side of the place where the orcs are lying in wait to ambush the party.

Usually when I get into these debates, my closer is a simple one: “Can you tell me,” I will ask whoever it is I am having this discussion with, “what a Magic Missile is?”

A Magic Missile is a first level offensive spell. It exists for no other reason than to allow a mage, who has no fighting skills because that's how the idiotic character class system works, be able to maybe do something effective in a combat. Once only, because of course as soon as he casts the stupid thing, he forgets the spell and has to spend Experience Points re-memorizing it. But, still. It lets him do something in combat, once.

It's the most common thing in the world in any D&D game, and yet I have never in my life met a D&D player who can actually tell me what a Magic Missile is. Is it electricity? Some kind of fireball? Pure force? Some kind of focused particle beam? Nobody knows. Press a D&D player for an answer and they'll haul out the Player's Handbook and read you the definition – the difficulty of targeting the spell, how many of what kind of dice of damage it does, etc. But they can't tell you what it is.With the mainstreaming of geek culture that has occurred over the last 20 years or so, there are probably millions of people out there who now enjoy D&D, to some extent or another. None of these people are bothered by how absurd and stupid it is.

Call me crazy, I guess.

A Dream That Died

So, quite some little time ago, I spent about six weeks collaborating with an established comics artist.  He initiated the collaboration with an email; he wanted me to 'work on' a project idea with him, and then write it while he handled the artwork.

I said sure -- what's not to like there?

The basic idea for the comic was a superteam of 'duplicate characters' - clones and/or lifelike androids/robots/synthezoids, designed specifically to be impersonators for various characters in the Marvel Universe.

The very first thing my collaborator told me was that the last thing he wanted was 'another X book'.  Great.  Couldn't agree more.  The next thing he said was that he 'definitely wanted Madeline Pryor in the book'.  So now I was confused, but... well... I foolishly decided, hey, we can work this out.

So, below, are some extracts from various notes, which more or less show how things went and why nothing ever happened.


UNNAMED IMPERSONATOR TEAM (first draft)

ARSENAL - a male fighter who seems to have no actual super powers but who is a walking arsenal of advanced, futuristic weaponry. (A Madrox clone tricked out by one of his team mates with various blasters, force fields, jets, and other devices.)


NUCLEON:  Another male wearing some kind of bulky, concealing armor who can fly, fire power blasts, apparently is nearly indestructible, and has super strength.  (A Tony Stark/Iron Man LMD.  He's the weaponeer/gadgets guy who provides various members with their gimmicks.) (Alternatively, a Victor Von Doom clone who escaped from Doom years ago.  He's not crazy and wants to live a normal life, although he may have temper issues.  He would be the gadgeteer for the group.)

MINDSTAR - A telepath/ telekinetic who is, of course, Madeline Pryor.

NIGHTWOLF - a super strong, super agile fighter type who has claws and swings around on a cable line of some sort.  Actually yet another, previously unknown Spider-clone created by Professor Warren.  He ran off very early and has been living on his own, until some mysterious clone killer tracked him down and tried to kill him (which may be how several of the team's members came to know about each other).

NOTE:  The above is the first mention of the 'clone killer', which would come to be the central driving force causing the team to form in the first place. 


BLACKBIRD - A female fighter in a black winged outfit - she can fly, she has some kind of energy claws and maybe some sort of vocal blast power, I don't know, I'm making this up as I go along.  She's really the Gwen Clone who supposedly died, but who, in fact, faked her own death (she was married to a Professor Warren clone, so this shouldn't have been all that hard) and went into hiding.  Romantically linked to Nightwolf.  The costume she's wearing is an old Vulture suit, modified by Nucleon.

BERZERKA - hugely muscled, enormously strong red haired chick with a staff that apparently allows her to fly and fire off huge lightning bolts.  Who the fugg is she?  She's a female Thor clone Tony Stark was working on in secret before Civil War.  He wrote the project off and dumped the cloned fetus, but somebody else grabbed it up and completed it.

EXTREMIS - Master of heat and cold.  Turns out to be the Bobby Drake Sentinel/LMD from X-MEN #100, who somehow survived when the rest of his team was destroyed, and gained actual self awareness from cosmic rays or something.  Or, if we don't want robots /androids in this, he's just a clone of Bobby Drake someone (our central villain) made up for reasons of their own, who has escaped and developed his control of his mutant powers further than the original Iceman ever had.

BLACKBALL - a shiny black ball the size of a bowling ball that flies around and shoots out blasts and stuff.  There's someone tiny inside it.  Turns out to be a Wasp-clone that never grew wings and is permanently stuck at three inches high.

Feedback from my collaborator at this point:


* No Thor clones ever because he doesn't like Thor clones

* Maria Pym clone instead of a Janet Van  Dyne clone because he thinks Maria Pym is cooler

* Nightwolf is a crappy generic sounding name,

* DC has already used 'Arsenal', which I knew, but had forgotten

* No androids or robots.  Just clones.

Now, I could have argued with nearly all of this.  A female Thor clone is a fantastic idea and, as it turns out, would have been rather foresightful, as well.  Cloning Maria Pym is all well and good, but she has no super powers and there's no reason she should be tiny, so what the fuck?  'Nightwolf' is a crappy generic sounding name, but we weren't publishing tomorrow, were we?  'Arsenal' may have been used but it's been used by many companies in many places and isn't so distinctive it can't be used again.  And 'no androids or robots, just clones' is simply a needless and stupid limitation, which I should have realized at the time meant my collaborator did not really understand the team concept at all.

But, instead of saying any of that,  I came up with some other ideas and here's the next evolutionary stage of the team -

"The team needs a behind the scenes leader type... someone who is old and can't get around that much.  Based on something you said in an earlier email, I suggest Jake Fury.  He didn't actually kill himself, but he wounded himself badly and was dragged away by one of his android Zodiac members, which was in love with him.  He's recovered, but he's crippled in some way.  However, he has some kind of incredibly useful power that came from exposure to the Zodiac Key (like, mastery of electronics, or, the ability to mentally control computers).

The thing is, Jake has discovered that he was never Nick Fury's brother... he has always been a clone of Nick Fury.  And he, too, is being hunted by the Clone Master.

Let me take this opportunity to set out some of the back story for this book as it's starting to come together for me, and you add on or scream that something is stupid as you see it:

Twenty years ago or so - Jake Fury tries to commit suicide after his android Zodiac is thwarted by the Avengers.  He only badly injures himself and is dragged away by one of his android Zodiac, who loves him.  (If we want Jake and his android to be gay, then it could be a male android, otherwise, it's probably Virgo.)

Jake and the android escape in a flying vehicle of some sort, and while looking for a place he can recover, he stumbles across Red Raven's flying island.

Now, I've checked the wiki page and the history on Red Raven, his flying island (alternately 'Sky Island' or 'the Aerie') and the Bird People (genetic offshoots of the Inhumans) is all fucked up and contradictory.  But he had a kind of daughter, Dania, who was apparently kidnapped by Arcade and died in Murderworld, so that gives us a sort of Arcade connection.  Anyway, we could straighten it out in flashbacks... Red Raven, wary of the Lower World after a lot of bad experiences, including the destruction of his adopted Bird People race faked the destruction of his floating island and actually just put massive stealth shields around it and took it higher into the atmosphere.  But then his daughter (probably a female clone of him) went out to the outside world to be a superhero, got kidnapped by Arcade, and died.  So Red Raven wants revenge on Arcade.

Okay.  Jake and his android find Red Raven's flying island 20 years ago.  They land on it.  Red Raven is there but in suspended animation (he was always in suspended animation).  They're out of fuel so they have to stay there.  Eventually Red Raven wakes up and forms an alliance with Jake and his android.

A year ago - Evil Clone King starts hunting stray clones all over Earth-616.  Who is it?  We don't know, but somebody is killing clones and self aware humanoid androids right left and sideways.  Jake becomes aware of this and tries to send emails to every clone he can locate with his 'super computer control' powers to warn them, offering Sky Island as a refuge.  Our team eventually shows up.  They decide to form a team of superheroes with disguised identities which they will go out into the Lower World and try to save other clones with, with the idea of eventually figuring out who Evil Clone King is and dealing with him/her, too.

So who's our team?

SINGLETON/SOLO/SOLITARY/LONER/LONE STAR/NARCISSUS - a male fighter who seems to have no actual super powers but who is a walking arsenal of advanced, futuristic weaponry. 

-- A  Madrox clone tricked out by one of his team mates with various blasters, force fields, jets, and other devices.

- A clone of Bucky.  The Soviets probably had a few stashed away; this one woke up and escaped.  No super powers but he's a kick ass fighter.

- a clone of Rick Jones. I have no idea who did it, but certainly someone should have cloned Rick at least once at some point.

Other possible names - Swashbuckler, Freebooter, Wanderer

NUCLEON:  Another male wearing some kind of bulky, concealing armor who can fly, fire power blasts, apparently is nearly indestructible, and has super strength.

 -  A Tony Stark/Iron Man LMD.  He's the weaponeer/gadgets guy who provides various members with their gimmicks.

 - Alternatively, a Victor Von Doom clone who escaped from Doom years ago.  He's not crazy and wants to live a normal life, although he may have temper issues.  He would be the gadgeteer for the group.

- An escaped Doombot.  Again, the group weaponeer/gadgeteer.

- a Reed Richards clone.  Doctor Doom or Maximus the Mad might have FF clones just hanging around.  I know that young Watcher did.

Other possible names - Master Blaster, Projektile, Centurion, Mr. Meteor (if whoever he is feels like being corny), Captain Vector, Skyguard, Jethawk, Afterburner, Bombshell, Golden Guardian, Ion Man (heh, no, he'd never use that one).

STAR SPIRIT - A telepath/ telekinetic who is, of course, Madeline Pryor.  But she is careful to conceal her real powers, manifesting her telekinetics as super strength and flight and invulnerability and blast beams or tractor beams coming from her wrist bands.    She telepathically coordinates the team in combat, passing along the commands of Jake Fury, or possibly their field leader --

TRIBAL  - A T'challa/Black Panther clone who was created by T'Challa a long time ago.  T'Challa planned to use him to fake out his various friends and enemies, having him pose as 'Luke Charles' as well as the real Black Panther while T'Challa himself was manipulating things behind the scenes.  But Tribal decided, to  hell with that, pulled out the tracking tech T'Challa had built into him, and ran off.

He's a big buff black guy with wild hair (beaded dreadlocks or a big fro or something), wild facial hair (similar) who wears leather pants and a leather vest over a really ripped physique.  He's incredibly fast and agile and has low level super strength and lots of tattooes and he fights with a crowbar and chain.  No one would ever associate  him with the Black Panther, which is how he likes it.  But like his progenitor, he's a supergenius, and the team's field leader due to his mastery of tactics.

BLACKBIRD - A female fighter in a black winged outfit - she can fly, she has some kind of energy claws and maybe some sort of vocal blast power, I don't know, I'm making this up as I go along.  She's really the Gwen Clone who supposedly died, but who, in fact, faked her own death (she was married to a Professor Warren clone, so this shouldn't have been all that hard) and went into hiding.  Romantically linked to Tribal.  The costume she's wearing is an old Vulture suit, modified by Nucleon.

EXTREMIS - Master of heat and cold.  Turns out to be the Bobby Drake Sentinel/LMD from X-MEN #100, who somehow survived when the rest of his team was destroyed, and gained actual self awareness from cosmic rays or something.  Or, if we don't want robots /androids in this, he's just a clone of Bobby Drake someone (our central villain) made up for reasons of their own, who has escaped and developed his control of his mutant powers further than the original Iceman ever had.

I still like the idea of bringing back one of the Classic X-Men Sentinels from X-MEN #100, just as I like the idea of having both humanoid androids and clones in the team.  Both would have identical identity issues -- they were created as chattel with no lives of their own to mimic someone else, to fulfill someone else's agenda, and now someone is trying to throw them away... and they're fighting back.    But if you really hate it, we'll get rid of it.

Possible alternative - the Zodiac android that saved Jake Fury could be in the team, and this gives us a lot to work with, as we know virtually nothing about those androids.  We're just working with star signs.  If it's Sagittarius, for example, we could have a super archer in the team that everyone thinks is a clone of Hawkeye, but... nooooo, it's Sagittarius from the android Zodiac!  Or maybe Aquarius could have developed hot and cold powers (he's the Water bearer).

BLACKBALL - a shiny black ball the size of a bowling ball that flies around and shoots out blasts and stuff.  There's someone tiny inside it.   I suppose it could be a tiny Maria Pym but... why would Hank make her tiny?  Wouldn't Hank want to bring Jan back?  I think a damaged Jan clone would be very poignant... she doesn't have her Wasp powers, so she's dependent on this ball to help the team out.  Plus, she's stuck at three inches tall so she can't have any kind of real social life.  Angst stuff all over the place."

Let me just pause here and say that the above is so full of resplendent and awesome brilliance that it fucking amazes me Marvel isn't paying me three figures a page to script this shit.  Any artistic collaborator with any sense at all should just fall to their knees in awestruck worship of my incredible genius.  There should be no notes whatsoever, just a wide eyes "these are all wonderful suggestions sir let me start doing some character sketches while you work on the plot for our first issue".

But -- nooooooooooooo...

Feedback at this point:  

* Maria Pym Maria Pym Maria Pym.  No Jan.  Just because.

* No Tribal.  He's one of those characters that reinforced colonial stereotypes or something.  Of course, we have no non white characters at all in the team without him, so, you know.

* The 'tiny clone who has a flying craft' idea is cool, but no. 

* Madeline Pryor can't have Jean Grey powers, she has to have mystic/demon/supernatural powers.  Why?  Because he says so.  

*No Doom or Richards clone.  No Stark LMD.  

* Let's have a Spider-clone after all.

So now we're at:

"GAUNTLET - A Madrox clone armed with all kinds of futuristic weapons I guess supplied by Jake, since you don't want a Stark LMD, or a Doom clone, or a Richards clone

Some Spider-clone with a name to be determined - I strongly think he should not have a name associated with Spider-man, and he would be hiding his true powers, for reasons I've gone into in the past

Madeline Pryor - you don't seem to like my Star Spirit idea, so we can call her whatever you want, but she should be hiding her past, too, and I really like the idea that she's using her powers to make herself seem like a Supergirl sort, hiding that she's a psionic

Blackball - if Jan is alive again, then a crippled Jan clone who yearns for Hank but can never have him is even more poignant.  But if you gotta have Maria, fine.

I think we need at least two more.  The Zodiac android who saved Jake after he tried to kill himself could be one.  An archer type (Sagittarius) or Virgo.   Or that Zodiac android could be Extremis, the master of heat and cold powers

With my suggestion of Jake Fury in the team, I start calling the team informally "The Furies".

At this point I'm starting to get pretty fed up with the completely idiotic bullshit this guy is throwing at me, but, hey, I had no idea just what fed up was yet.

Feedback:  

* . Madeline Pryor can't have TK or TP as she does not have the Phoenix Force in her.  Now, this makes no sense to me  because Jean Grey had both powers long before she got Phoenixed up, and she's a Jean Grey clone (or she doesn't belong in this book).  But he wants her to have mystical powers - he now suggests she have the ability "to animate objects and send them to attack opponents.  The power is so glaringly obvious but at the same time completely new."

If it's 'completely new' (and I'm sure it's not) then it's because it's really stupid, but, whatever.

* Archers have, according to my collaborator, been 'done to death lately'.  Well, I'm suggesting a different kind of archer, but, whatever.

Now I've come up with a brilliant idea:  to give the team some gravitas and some ties to deep Marvel continuity, I suggest we use Red Raven, a Golden Age Marvel character who is largely unused and who comes with his own cool floating sky island.  I come up with a back story for it that ties it to Marvel continuity even more tightly:

Back story on Red Raven/Sky Island/The Aerie:

1926 - In Attilan, a young woman named Skirra is exposed to the Terragen Mists, as all young Inhumans are.  She is mutated into an avian form.  Skirra is a brilliant scientist type, but she is also somewhat unstable; she becomes obsessed with her avian form as 'the ultimate evolution' (because she can FLY!) and starts scheming to convert all inhabitants of Attilan to similar avian forms by tampering with the Terragen Mists.  She succeeds in causing a few hundred Inhuman children to gain forms like hers, but then the Royal Family of the time figures out what she's doing and drives her and her bird-people followers into exile.

1932 - Skirra has built a floating "Sky Island" concealed in artificial clouds as a haven for herself and her mutated bird people.  By now, they all fanatically share her obsession with turning everyone else into bird people.  They are working frantically to build a device that will cloak the world in Skirra's specially tailored Terragen Mists formula. 

1936 - Richard Edward Draven, a stunt pilot/adventurer who picked up the nick name "Red Raven" while on barnstorming tours, and his young partner, Adrian Toombs, are taking part in an 'Around the World In 80 Days' ballooning stunt and they accidentally crash land on Sky Island.  Richard is extremely charismatic - men tend to want to follow him, women tend to fall in love with him (it may be a mutant power, he doesn't know) and so Skirra takes a liking to him.  She tries to convince him and Adrian to be the first humans to undergo the transformation to bird people. . They're like, uh, no.  A big fight breaks out.  Richard and Adrian manage to release an experimental knock out gas Skirra was developing to use on the 'Low World' into the cloud generators that keep the island from being seen, and Skirra and the bird people all fall into comas.

Over the next month, Richard and Adrian, with the help of robots and automated manufacturing machinery, manage to get Skirra and her bird people loaded into suspended animation tanks.  Richard doesn't want to kill them, but they can't be allowed to run around loose while they're so dangerously crazy.  He decides he will remain on Sky Island and work on curing them.  Adrian decides to leave.  Unbeknownst to Richard, Adrian takes with him the plans for some battle armor that the bird people had designed for themselves, along with some samples of their advanced technology, which he will later use to create his Vulture suit.  (Ironically, after turning down Skirra's offer to become bird people, both Richard and Adrian will eventually become, sort of, bird people.)

Eventually, Richard builds himself his own bird suit and as Red Raven, does all the stuff that he has done, sort of, in Marvel continuity.

About a year ago, Red Raven was out flying around, bored.  (His suit is stealthed, no one can see him if he doesn't want them to.)  He heard a woman screaming for help from a house down below.  He swoops down and sees some kind of robots or androids or something.  They've killed the woman's husband and are about to kill her.  He trashes them and is rather taken with this woman, who is the Gwen clone.  He offers her sanctuary and having nowhere else to go, she accepts.  So he brings her back to the Aerie/Sky Island.

Turns out, she's been using the Internet to form a sort of Clone Support Group, and she's been worried because several members have fallen out of contact.  Now she's afraid they've been killed and someone is trying to kill clones.  Red Raven is falling in love with her so he agrees to help.  Using his advanced technology, tapping into surveillance satellites and news broadcasts, he determines that, indeed, Gwen's group missing group members have been killed... by strange androids (different types from Marvel continuity).  Working together, he and Gwen manage to rescue half a dozen other members of her support group.    And we have our team.  Determined to find out who is killing clones and stop him/her/them, but also wanting to conceal their identities until they find out what is up.

So they form The Furies.   Red Raven is their front man; he gives the group gravitas.  Maybe they aren't heroes for hire, maybe they just swoop down when the Ani-Men attack Roxxon's Hoboken High Tech Show, to show the world that they're heroes. 

* * * * 

You know what's hard?  When you're working with someone and you're coming up with all these amazing brilliant ideas and every time you write one out and send it off you're expecting the guy you sent it to will come back with 'whoa, that blows my mind, yeah, LET'S DO IT!' and instead, you get this shit:

* * * *


Feedback:  



* Why would the Gwen clone fly, when her biggest fear should be falling to her death?



So I wrote the following:



A scene explaining why Gwen might enjoy having wings:



PANEL 1:  

VISUAL:  Gwen, in her Blackbird suit, in a large open cavern flying through hoops, avoiding flame blasts and explosions, shattering targets with the edges of her wings.  



CAPTION 1:  She flies like one of the Furies themselves.  Like some unlikely offspring of the sky and the wind.  Like she was born with wings, instead of just wearing them.

CAPTION 2:  She reminds him of himself, when he was very young... and yet, she is nothing like him.  Nothing like anyone he has ever known.  How can she possibly be a clone, when she is so obviously so... unique?

CAPTION 3:  Watching her makes him feel exhilarated. Like those first instants of free fall when your plane reaches the very top of the loop, or you first step out the cargo hatch, before you pull the rip cord... or you fold your wings at five thousand feet, and plummet towards the ground, spinning like a pinwheel, feeling so alive... 





PANEL 2:  

VISUAL:  We see Red Raven leaning in the doorway, watching as she lands, some distance away.

CAPTION:  Watching her makes him feel terribly, terribly old. 

GWEN:  "Oh!"



PANEL 3: 

VISUAL:  Red Raven has come closer but not too close.  Some piece of equipment is between the two of them, he's leaning on it.  She's taking her hood off, shaking out her hair. 



RR:  I did not mean to startle you.  I apologize.



GWEN:  You didn't... I'm sorry. I just didn't know you were there. 

GWEN:  I... was I... doing it wrong?



PANEL 4:  

VISUAL:  Close up on Red Raven's face, looking surprised.

RR:  Wrong?  No.  No, nothing like that.

RR:  I've never seen someone with such a natural sense for flight. Not since...

RR:  Not for a very long time.



PANEL 5:  

VISUAL:  Gwen just stands there, not looking at RR.  

GWEN:  I... thank you.



PANEL 6:  

VISUAL:  Close up on Gwen's face, staring intently at RR.

CAPTION:  She looks up, then.  He would have sworn she wouldn't.  She seems so shy, most of the time... but she looks at him, her bright blue gaze like a bullet to the heart -- 



GWEN:  My clearest memory is falling to my death.  Screaming.  Waiting for... someone... to save me.  Praying in my head, screaming and screaming, screaming my throat raw.

GWEN:  It's not my memory.  But it's always with me.  In my head, I'm always falling, always waiting for someone to save me, always screaming... All my life, I've been falling, screaming... waiting for someone to save me.

GWEN:  But now I can fly.



PANEL 7:  

VISUAL:  Possibly a smaller inset panel.  Gwen leans up and kisses RR on the cheek.



GWEN:  Thanks to you.  



PANEL 8:  

VISUAL:  Gwen walks away, while RR stares after her, rubbing his cheek.



* * * * * * *



I also start throwing out ideas for non-white team members, eventually settling on the idea of a Bill Foster clone.



THE FURIES -



RED RAVEN - WWII hero/occasional crazy/Hawkman rip off/possible clone.  Perhaps the leader of the group, or maybe just a crazy old guy who hangs around letching after Blackbird.  YOU be the judge!

JAKE FURY - LMD, younger brother of Nick Fury, or Nick Fury clone -- YOU decide!  If he's a younger clone of Nick Fury, somebody must have been cloning folks way back in the 1940s - but maybe Kang the Conqueror was, in an attempt to control the destiny of the 20th Century!  Whatever he is, now Jake is crippled from a failed suicide attempt -- he's a head on a box, but with his Scorpio Key derived power to control computers, he's still a  helluva good guy to have on  your side!

EXTREMIS - formerly Aquarius of Jake's android Zodiac, Extremis has evolved his 'water bearer' powers into the ability to create water in any form - which he usually manifests as either ice or high pressure steam, allowing him to freeze people in their tracks or create gigantic explosions at will!  He dragged Jake out to a Zodiac flying craft after Jake shot himself and got him to safety (possibly to the Aerie; that remains to be worked out).  He's devoted to Jake and may be in love with him, but, you know, there's that whole android thing, plus, probably Jake isn't gay.  But if Extremis could just get his chassis modified into a female form, then, maybe...

GAUNTLET/HUNTER PRIME/NIGHT HUNTER/LONE GUNMAN - He's like this cool ripped dude in a black jumpsuit with guns strapped to him everywhere!  He leaps about shooting everything!  He's got pistols and machine guns and shotguns and he's AWESOME!  Plus grenades and maybe a sword for that cool Deathstroke the Terminator/Taskmaster look.

He's -

     * A Madrox clone without the ability to make more Madrox clones!  But he learns fast and he's totally agile and awesome!

     * An Alpha Primitive who loves to shoot people and blow crap up!

     * A clone of Flash Thompson! (what?)

     * A clone of Matt Murdock who calls himself Mike Murdock! (Uh...)

GORGONA -   She's this really incredibly hot chick except she's got tentacles instead of hair!  She's actually a Medusa clone the Wizard made to permanently fill out the Frightful Four, but her Inhuman DNA mutated in the tube, ending up with this horrifying result!  Although her completely articulated tentacles allow her enormous versatility, the rest of the Frightful Four couldn't stand looking at her and drove her off!

SNAPDRAGON - cloned by Egghead from DNA samples stolen from Hank Pym's lab, Snapdragon is derived from the cells of Hank Pym's murdered first wife Maria.  Egghead jazzed her up with his version of Wasp-empowerment, resulting in a normal (if petite) sized woman who can fly and smack someone with a toxic sting!  She escaped from Egghead a long time ago and just hid, thinking she was hideous and couldn't trust anyone... but now that clones are being killed by the Clone-Killer, she's contacted Gwen and accepted sanctuary from the Furies!

WITCHFIRE - Madeline Pryor with some minor TK and TP and a whole lot of demon-fire.  She can make inanimate objects become animate by projecting her will at them for limited periods, plus, she can blast people with Ghost Rider fire!  She's not very nice.

BLUE DEMON/INCUBUS  - When Norman Osborne was alive, he always wanted a son with super powers.  Using samples he took from Spider-man's DNA during their many encounters, he cloned a copy of his son Harry with Spider-powers!  But the induced spider-DNA isn't a good match to Harry's frail metabolism; only a constant regimen of fortifying super-steroids keeps Norman, Jr., from dying of super-anaphylactic shock!  He's hoping that if he hangs around with the Furies someone who's good with advanced technology will find him a cure!  In the meantime, he has kind of a half assed romance going with --

BLACKBIRD - the Gwen Stacy clone in a modified Vulture-like winged suit.  She has razor sharp wings and can fly like a jet fighter!  She feels more pity than love for poor Norman Jr., but at least he treats her like a real person instead of a freak (when he isn't busy feeling sorry for himself, that is).  Flying through the air as Blackbird, she's free for the first time from her recurring nightmare/memory of falling to her death.  If only she weren't so confused about her feelings for Red Raven...!

POPPER - a clone of the Vanisher created a long time ago by Magneto in hopes of incorporating cool teleportation abilities into his Brotherhood of Mutants.  Unfortunately, it's hard to keep a teleporter around if he wants to leave.  Magneto decanted little Porter when he was still a toddler, figuring he'd raise him as a son and thus ensure his loyalty.  Yeah, that worked.  Porter hit puberty and followed in the non footsteps of his genetic father.  However, now that some crazy is hunting down clones and murdering them with killer robots and like that, he's decided to join Gwen's support group -- the Furies!

MICRO-MAN - covertly cloned from Bill Foster's DNA, Micro-Man nearly died before ever opening his eyes when Norman Osborne discovered the secret project and blew up the entire laboratory to destroy it.   Having learned during his hair raising escape from death that apparently his one time power to increase his size has somehow mutated into an ability to shrink, this newborn clone of a dead hero hears of an Internet support group for unwanted clones... which leads him to... the Furies!


At this point I feel like I'm really working hard to compromise with my collaborator.  As far as I'm concerned, the team is shot through with some really incredibly stupid ideas, like a clone of Maria Pym with Wasp powers and a clone of Madeline Pryor with supernatural demon powers, but whatever, I"m still in there trying to do what I can to salvage this mess.

More feedback.   The team further evolves:


THE FURIES -

RED RAVEN - WWII hero/occasional crazy/Hawkman rip off/possible clone.  Perhaps the leader of the group, or maybe just a crazy old guy who hangs around letching after Blackbird.  YOU be the judge!

JAKE FURY - LMD, younger brother of Nick Fury, or Nick Fury clone -- YOU decide!  If he's a younger clone of Nick Fury, somebody must have been cloning folks way back in the 1940s - but maybe Kang the Conqueror was, in an attempt to control the destiny of the 20th Century!  Whatever he is, now Jake is crippled from a failed suicide attempt -- he's a head on a box, but with his Scorpio Key derived power to control computers, he's still a  helluva good guy to have on  your side!

EXTREMIS - formerly Aquarius of Jake's android Zodiac, Extremis has evolved his 'water bearer' powers into the ability to create water in any form - which he usually manifests as either ice or high pressure steam, allowing him to freeze people in their tracks or create gigantic explosions at will!  He dragged Jake out to a Zodiac flying craft after Jake shot himself and got him to safety (possibly to the Aerie; that remains to be worked out).  He's devoted to Jake and may be in love with him, but, you know, there's that whole android thing, plus, probably Jake isn't gay.  But if Extremis could just get his chassis modified into a female form, then, maybe...

GAUNTLET/HUNTER PRIME/NIGHT HUNTER/LONE GUNMAN - He's like this cool ripped dude in a black jumpsuit with guns strapped to him everywhere!  He leaps about shooting everything!  He's got pistols and machine guns and shotguns and he's AWESOME!  Plus grenades and maybe a sword for that cool Deathstroke the Terminator/Taskmaster look.

He's -

     * A Madrox clone without the ability to make more Madrox clones!  But he learns fast and he's totally agile and awesome!

     * An Alpha Primitive who loves to shoot people and blow crap up!

     * A clone of Flash Thompson!

     * A clone of Matt Murdock who calls himself Mike Murdock!

BERSERKA - Big and strong and really mean.  She has a laser-chain or something that Red Raven or Jake or somebody fixed up for her.  She's actually a Thundra clone the Wizard made to permanently fill out the Frightful Four, but her anger management issues made him happy to see her punch a hole in the wall and beat feet!

LADY STINGER - cloned by Egghead from DNA samples stolen from Hank Pym's lab, Lady Stinger is derived from the cells of Hank Pym's murdered first wife Maria.  Egghead jazzed her up with his version of Wasp-empowerment, resulting in a normal (if petite) sized woman who can fly and smack someone with a toxic sting that will take down neary anyone!  She escaped from Egghead a long time ago and just hid, thinking she was hideous and couldn't trust anyone... but now that clones are being killed by the Clone-Killer, she's contacted Gwen and accepted sanctuary from the Furies!

WITCHFIRE - Madeline Pryor with some minor TK and TP and a whole lot of demon-fire.  She can make inanimate objects become animate by projecting her will at them for limited periods, plus, she can do blast people with Ghost Rider fire!  She's not very nice.

BLACK MARVEL - When Norman Osborne was alive, he always wanted a son with super powers.  Using samples he took from Spider-man's DNA during their many encounters, he cloned a copy of his son Harry with Spider-powers!  Yet only recurring shots of a special preservative chemical keep the flawed Harry-clone from crumbling into dust!  He's hoping that if he hangs around with the Furies someone who's good with advanced technology will find him a cure!  In the meantime, he has kind of a half assed romance going with --

BLACKBIRD - the Gwen Stacy clone in a modified Vulture-like winged suit.  She has razor sharp wings and can fly like a jet fighter!  She feels more pity than love for poor Black Marvel,

My collaborator still doesn't like my ideas for the Harry Osborne/Spider clone.  I suggest:

"We need a few non whites, and a Black Panther clone is a fascinating concept.  I'm pretty sure Chris Priest introduced at least one (who was the Black Panther from the Kirby miniseries) so certainly there could be others out there.

Now, Black Panther's foster brother and chief of the Wakandan secret police is White Wolf.  So 'Nightwolf' might be a natural for a Black Panther clone.  However, we can easily come up with another name.

I think a Black Panther clone might call himself 'Charles Teacher', as T'Challa took the pseudonym 'Luke Charles', who taught in inner city schools, briefly during the 70s.  As to his superhero name, if he wants to distinguish himself from his progenitor, he might give himself some sort of 'Street Fighter' type name, to erase any and all jungle associations with himself.  Maybe he just calls himself 'Rumble'.

Or, looking at a list of Street Fighter characters, maybe he just calls himself 'Hugo Vega' for a real name (as a joke, he has a weird, very dry sense of humor) and calls himself 'Tribal' as his hero name. And maybe instead of dressing up in a superhero costume, he's like totally pimped out, with leather pants and a leather vest and he's of course completely ripped and he's got dreadlocks or some gigantic Afro and braided facial hair and he looks really bizarre... because T'Challa would never ever appear in public like that.  He's got tats and he fights with a crowbar.

Yeah.  And his only name is 'Tribal'.  Hmmm.  Yeah... "

Again he says he doesn't like Tribal, because Tribal is "one of THOSE characters".  Yay.


Eventually we are told we can't use Red Raven because someone else is planning to use him.  So I switch over to a clone of the Vulture.  After several other permutations, it becomes obvious to me that my collaborator, despite not wanting to do 'another X-book', basically only wants to do clones of X-characters, including a character he feels he created himself, plus, Namorita.

I don't quit the partnership right then, but I should have.

Here's an idea I had, as a sort of prequel to the series -


* * * * *




Scenario - SUPER VILLAIN TEAM UP ANNUAL 

KANG meets THE MAD THINKER

Open in 40th Century - show young Rama Tut arriving in time sphere, confronting neo-barbarians in odd armor with advanced weapons, killing one with his 30th Century blaster.  The survivors follow him, awed.  He uses time sphere sensors to discover he is not underground, as he'd thought... he has arrived inside a vast alien space craft that has crashed on Earth.  Exploring it, he finds bits and pieces of alien armor and we see him assembling Kang's distinctive battle suit for the first time. 



Meanwhile, in 1968, the Mad Thinker's Awesome Android is digging a tunnel.  The Thinker himself is obviously nearby watching, as the captions indicate typical Thinker time stamped observations - the Android is exerting x foot pounds of pressure and directing y degrees of intense heat and z voltage of electricity at a, b, and c  construction materials - it should reach its goal, the subterranean vault of the Second Avenue Rand-Meacham National Bank, in 8.23769 minutes precisely... and then, the Android breaks through into a completely unanticipated space.  We see a vast room filled with Horton-Trask type storage tubes, each of which contains an indistinct human form...



Cut back and forth between future and past.  Kang eventually travels back to early 20th Century and starts funding people like Horton, Howard Stark, Abraham Erskine, and others.  He also sets up his own project - creating clones of people he knows will come to dominatethe 20th Century, like all the scientists he funds, plus, Steve Rogers, the Sub Mariner, Bob Frank, Miss America, Nick Fury, etc, etc.



Kang must abandon the project.  Eventually, the Thinker finds these clones by accident.  Nick Fury's clone was long ago released through a mishap and, confused, in a state of shock, wandered back to his old neighborhood where the real Nick Fury found him and assumed him to be a runaway younger brother, Jake.  The other clones remain in their tubes, and are eventually sold off by the Mad Thinker to various outlaw supervillain figures at an auction in the late 60s...



Final scene:  2189 - the future Supreme Intelligence is showing all this to a young Kree Centurion with faintly green skin.  "Now that Kree evolution is back on track and the Kree are realizing their cosmic destiny, we can turn our attention to other details.  As you can see, this time travelling barbarian was responsible for polluting Terra's past with Kree cloning technology.  It would be unwise to interfere too closely in the Conqueror's already established time tracks... but it should be a simple enough matter to travel to Earth's early 20th Century and remove our cloning technology from their timeline before it can warp their history over much.  So we are appointing you, Arvas Vell, to be our representative  in this matter.  Your family history is deeply intertwined with that of Terran superhumanity; this will be an opportunity to restore honor to your name."



Arvas Vell replies "It will be a great challenge, Supremor, but I will not fail!"



The S.I. says "I will give you power and accoutrements appropriate to the milieu you will be entering.  You will blend in... and if any should uncover your true purpose, it is unlikely that there will be any on Earth at that time powerful enough to stop you."



Arvas Vell is blasted with power by the Supreme Intelligence - and in the final panel, as theenergy surrounding him fades, the S.I. proclaims "I appoint you to your task, Arvas Vell, now recreated as Sentry 98X-744B12!  You will find your glorious destiny in Earth's past!"







* * * *

Going through some archives regarding this project, I also found this synopsis of what I wanted to do in the first issue.  Apparently at some point, we've decided to put a clone of Mondo in the team, as well. 

Let's just do the whole thing as one long fight.  No flashbacks, no nothing.  The Ani-Men are running riot at this Roxxon High Tech Show in Hoboken, New Jersey.  Ape-Man is standing up on some cool looking flying car prototype beating his chest and saying "GORT LOVES THIS CAR!  GORT WILL HAVE IT!"  And like that. 

We see it initially as a TV news report.  The reporter on the scene initially miscalls the group as 'maybe some new version of the Zodiac, those old Avengers villains'.  The network's superhero consultant, Burt Cusack, one time writer of the authorized Avengers and Spider-Man title, corrects this from the studio -- he recognizes four of the strange attackers as Ape-Man, Bird-Man, Cat-Man, and Frog-Man, so he presumes this must be some new, expanded group of Ani-Men.  Cut back to the reporter on the scene, who is hiding because the Lizard-guy was crawling all over the balcony where she is.  She comes back out -- just in time for our full page splash, at the team comes crashing in through the roof skylight, and she gives our title in a big exclamation balloon with cool Tom Orzechowski style lettering -- "WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS?"

Which remains the theme of the entire issue.  Jake is directing the team through their earpieces; he's in their stealthed aircraft above the auditorium with his buddy (whoever it is) piloting the craft.  He directs Red Raven to circle the inner perimeter of the auditorium and help out anyone who needs it.  Red Raven says something like "Keeping your most experienced man in reserve -- sound tactics.  I agree."  Jake says something like "I'm so glad."  Blackbird gets put on Bird-Man and says something chirpy and kind of silly like "I'm on it like a bonnet!" as she dives for him.  Jake is like "What did she say?"  Aquarius says "She's blonde, just roll with it."  Fantasia is straining her natural Jean Grey TK to the limit lowering herself, Incubus, Mondo, and the Mystery Clone into the auditorium.  Mystery Clone has massive energy blast powers, so Jake and Red Raven have him decked out like a 90s Image gun-toter with a huge piece of metal shaped like a Rob Liefeld blaster cannon that he can project his energy blasts through.

So Jake says "Leave Lone Gunman/Firepower (whatever we call him) on one of the girders near the ceiling so he can snipe.  The rest of you, pick opponents and mix it up."

Mondo is like "Aaaaaaaalllll RIGHT!"  Incubus says "Dibs on the cat guy, the rest of them look groaty."  Madeline says "If you boys are so eager, then, have at it!" and throws them at the Ani-Men. 

Incubus mixes it up with Cat-Man.  He's dodging all over the place and bitching, because that's what Incubus does -- "Hey, this guy is FAST!  And STRONG!  And he's got like CLAWS!"  Jake is like "Okay, he's a cat guy, you thought he'd be slow and weak and attack you with marshmallows?"  Incubus says "Okay, he is fast and strong, but he's not as fast and strong as me", while he's dodging and blocking a bunch of punches and kicks, and then he lays Cat-Man out with one big punch. 

Meanwhile, Mondo has landed and is confronting a whole bunch of Ani-Men, some  new ones we'll come up with plus Frog-Man/Croaker.  They don't know what to make of him.  He says something like "Now you must face the power of..." (small letters) "screw it what was my code name again?... never mind..."  (BIG LETTERS)  "HUMUNGOUS!  THE LORD HUMUNGOUS!" 

Crushtacean says, like, "Ruler of the Wasteland?" and Croaker says "The Aya-TOLL-ah of Rock and ROLL-ah?"

Mondo is like, "What, you guys watch movies?"  and they're like "Yeah, we got one of those big dishes.  Okay, let's kill him."  And they rush him and the whole mob smashes into one of the exhibits and Mongo is like "I love it when a plan comes togeth--hey, this thing you've shoved me up against... is this admantium?"  Because it is.

Blackbird has mixed it up with Bird-Man but unfortunately he's flying rings around her, so Red Raven has to get in it.  He's not all cool and calm, though, because Bird-Man has clawed Blackbird a few times, so Red Raven comes in screaming "YOU GET AWAY FROM HERRRRRRRR!!!!"

Meanwhile, Jake is telling Lone Gunman, "Hey, there's a big Ape Guy at your eight o'clock".  Gunman says "Eight o'clock?  I don't have an eight o'clock!"  We see Jake in the airship face palming, then he explains about being at the center of a clock face and what the positions mean.  Gunman says "Oh, okay... oh, yeah, I see the big Ape Guy.  Wow.  Impressive."  Jake screams "SHOOT HIM YOU DUMB ASS!"  Gunman's feelings are hurt, he's like "You don't have to call me names, I don't do this stuff for a living like the rest of you" but he shoots him.  And then Gort gets mad and comes leaping right up in Gunman's face.

Meanwhile, Madeline has landed and is thinking to herself about how she's surrounded by hideous freaks that want to hurt her, it's just like hell, she feels right at home.  She starts to use her powers to like make lamp posts bend down and grab Ani-Men and stuff but then the snake guy or the spider guy or somebody sneaks up behind her and bites her, injecting her with poison.  And she's like "Hey, that isn't fair" and then collapses.

Snapdragon blips in and slaps her attacker with her sting-slap, and the attacker goes down, and then Snapdragon is like "Oooh I'm gonna get 'em all!" and starts blipping around the room, trying to smack each Ani-Man.  But she hasn't had a lot of practice so she's missing a lot and possibly endangering her teammates. 

Meanwhile, Gort is up in the girders and he's grabbed Lone Gunman and is shaking him and saying he's going to rip Gunman's arms and legs off and beat him to death with them, and Gunman is obviously scared and saying "No -- no -- NO!!!  You're -- NOT!!!!" And he gives off this massive blast of energy, shredding his costume and blowing Gort across the hall into the opposite wall.  And then he's standing there, naked, junk blocked by smoke tendrils and energy effects, saying "Oops.  I think I blew my cover."

Meanwhile, Jake is telling Incubus that he's closest to Fantasia, he needs to grab her and get her up to the airship.  Jake mutters something like "But I HATE that bitch".  But he grabs her and he's bounding from girder to girder and leaps for the aircraft, but misjudges and has to shoot out some webbing.  He thinks "Ooops, I hope nobody saw that". 

Down below, we abruptly hear "Hey, hey, HEY..." coming from off panel... and then we see this huge gleaming metal Mondo, like thirty feet tall, come rumbling up, saying "It's ADAMANTIUM MONDO!  YOU BITCHEZ ARE IN TROUBLE NOW!!!"

And the other Ani-Men who are still conscious take one look and they're like "Uh... RUN!!!!  RUN!!!!" and they're booking like hell. 

So we see Red Raven, standing over an unconscious Bird-Man with one arm around Blackbird.  She's saying she's okay, he just got in a lucky shot, she'll be fine, she mostly took it on the armor.  Jake says "If you two aren't too busy, could you maybe round up the fleeing perpetrators?  We'll look better to the law if we can turn over the whole package to them.  Those guys hate it when the bad guys escape."  So they go and head off the fleeing Ani-Men.

So then there's a press conference and a reporter asks Red Raven if he's that WWII hero and Red Raven says yes, he's come out of retirement to mentor this group of young heroes, and he is proud to be the field leader of the -- (in small letters, as an aside) God help us all -- REJEX!!!

Blackbird says "Yes, we're all outcasts from mainstream society, but we've banded together to protect the innocent and fight evil!"

And the reporters are like "What?" "She's hot, who cares?"

And up above, Jake is like "Wrap up the intros and everyone get in the ship.  I really need a drink."

And as the stealthed ship flys off, the reporter is down below, saying "So... it appears the world has a  new superhero team today... REJEX!  A bunch of unknowns, led by a mysterious veteran hero from World War II!  What can we expect from this enigmatic group?  Only time will tell!"

Our last page, we see Norman Osborne, watching on TV.  He says something like "Rejex?  That's... retarded."  He shakes his head.  Then kind of sighs and says "All right.  Kill them."  And we see he's talking to some huge android/robots standing behind him... Dreadnaughts, modified Sentinels, something (I need to do research on Marvel robots/androids).