Web Search nikon coolpix digital cameras The Miserable Annals of the Earth: Blue baiting

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Blue baiting

In yesterday's email, from my deeply conservative Uncle Rick:

From: [somebody or other]
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2008 12:46 AM
To: [a whole lot of people]

Subject: Subject: Subject: History Lesson! You Guys all know that [somebody I don't know but won't name here anyway] wants to be a history teacher. He has outlined his First Lesson to be given at his debut class at Columbia University.

Today's history lesson

For those that don't know much about history...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. (Thus most car people are conservative)

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are and were always symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe that Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off....

* * * *

I honestly can't think of anything to add here. Conservatives are a bunch of people who, since prehistory, have largely done nothing except kill shit, eat it, get drunk, and whine about what those goddam pansy liberals wear. Liberals, by default, have pretty much had to do everything else (including invent all the stuff the conservatives immediately adopt and enjoy, like fire-making technology, agriculture, fermentation, distillation, and barbecue sauce).

As a final note, though, I do wa -- wait wait wait hold ON a second here --

::sound of screeching breaks, boinging sound of eyepopping double take::

"Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men."

It... I... whoa. Did he just say women evolved out of liberals?

So... all women are liberals?

So... um... no women are conservatives?

Which means, no conservatives are women?

Fuck, I knew Ann Coulter was a man.

And I suspected Michelle Malkin of the same thing.


At 9:41 AM , Blogger Nate said...

For aman, Coulter's got an awful purty mouth. Someone oughta put it to its proper usage, I think.

At 10:52 AM , Blogger Doc Nebula said...

Many conservative 'women' are attractive, in either a mean, waspish manner, or a docile, cow eyed way. My sudden realization, based on this certainly entirely truthful history lesson, that all conservatives are necessarily men, including their 'women', though, merely leads me to believe that conservative 'women' are just extremely feminine looking men.

As in any prison, though, the extremely feminine looking conservative men are accorded special attentions by the other, not so pretty conservative men.

It all makes sense, especially those ads you see about how conservative 'women' just can't date liberal men. Of course they can't; apparently, while some liberals are men, many others are women, and no conservative man (overly pretty or not) would want to chance any sort of social interaction with an actual woman. Conservative men are generally baffled and enraged simply by the concept of the vagina; to be confronted with the reality of one would a paralytic shock... perhaps even a mortal one.

If you find my reasoning tortured, it is no more so than that in the original 'history lesson', and certainly less so than nearly any illegally imprisoned enemy combatant.

At 12:42 PM , OpenID TuxedoSlack said...

I see other people are finally getting past the gobsmacked stage, in time for me to share my assessment of the original piece (now that it's become more articulate than "That. It. The. Eeber eeber yabble"). Briefly, it reminds me of a Mallard Fillmore "Liberals: The Early Years" gag, only (in the words of Ford Prefect on Los Angeles) without the same sense of moral depth.

Conservative men are generally baffled and enraged simply by the concept of the vagina

You only think you're kidding: "Who the hell knows what's going on down there. It's like H.R. Geiger [sic] giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon." (Actual conservative blogger "Ace of Spades", apparently first mocked here.)

If you find my reasoning tortured, it is no more so than that in the original 'history lesson'

Given that there's no way of torturing what's not there to be tortured, I could argue the point.

At 8:37 AM , OpenID TuxedoSlack said...

Desperately unneeded update: I spent this morning trying to find the source of this mystery lesson. No luck, but it's been flowing through the bowels of the Internet since at least November of 2004 (link only provided for the sake of the beautiful comment it garnered).


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