Thursday, August 28, 2008

Keeping them in their dresses

Amy Alkon, perhaps the only Pajama Medias blogger whose work I often enjoy when she's not writing about anything I much care about, has this to say about Mr. Obama in her most recent blog post:

"I've marveled at how utterly non-threatening the guy is who's running
as the Democratic candidate to be the leader of the free world. I think
that's a substantial part of his appeal to younger voters: He doesn't
quite seem like a grownup. He's not a businessman (not the way you'd
see your dad or grandpa as a businessman). He's this boyish, sensitive
man with a wife who seems to be much more man than he.

Gregg, by the way, noticed that when the two of them were on stage the other night, and they were going to greet the audience, Michelle Obama strode ahead of him like a power-walker instead of taking his arm and going along to support him. Verrrry interesting!"

It is, indeed, interesting, how conservative pundits stick to their scripts so well. John Edwards is the Breck Girl, or, alternatively, someone Ann Coulter can't talk about without using the word 'faggot'. John Kerry 'looks French'. Now, Barack Obama is a 'boyish, sensitive man with a wife who seems to be much more man than he'.
Ms. Alkon then both links to and prints a lengthy excerpt from a Wall Street Journal piece by Michael Knox Beran named 'Barack Obama, Shaman'.

In addition to the title reference, which pretty directly implies that Senator Obama is some kind of no good lousy non-Christian wizard-type guy, Knox Beran loads his article with the textual equivalent of depleted uranium rounds and then empties his entire ammo belt in Obama's general direction, hoping desperately that phrases like "androgyne", "post masculine", "male mother", "metrosexual mildness rather than masculine testosterone", and "sagging sperm count" will somehow stick to the Senator from Illinois, calling his character into question in a manner that will entirely undermine his Presidential aspirations. (And, presumably, distract readers from Beran's own literary shortcomings -- I mean, is there any other kind of testosterone besides masculine?)

Just in case calling Mr. Obama a fag eighteen different ways in two paragraphs isn't enough to send undecided moderates bolting for a McCain button, Beran has a spare clip of ammo in his belt which he hastily reloads with. Over his next several paragraphs, he starts blasting away with such phosphorus-laced tracer fire as "communitarianism", "the collectivist ideal", "the empathetic mommy state", "the collectivist dream", and "communitarian paradise". Not only does Senator Obama like to suck a lot of dicks, Beran advises us between the lines, with a nod and a wink, but he's a goddam pinko Commie subversive, too!

Ms. Alkon surprises me by excerpting all this nonsense; not only is she an intelligent person who certainly knows it's all b.s., but after having been savaged shamefully by the emotionally retarded hordes at Sadly, No! over the past week or so, I'd have expected much better of her than to sink to the same loathsome lows as her recent attackers did, with their various imputations and allegations regarding her own sexuality. Having her wikipedia page rewritten by some dimwitted so-called progressive to say that she's a post-operative transsexual apparently didn't trouble her in the least, or, at least, it didn't trouble her enough to keep her from imputing that Senator Obama is some kind of girlie-man and (taking the whole 'liberals as weepy womenfolk' motif one step further than even Maureen Dowd or Ann Coulter has heretofore) that Michelle Obama clearly wears the penis in the family.

I wonder at the conservative mind's ability to ignore all internal contradictions within their own retarded propaganda. John Edwards is a lisping queerboy who lacks character because he cheated on his wife with some babe. Wait... what?

Still, it's probably true that the only important quality a U.S. President truly needs is manly goddam toughness. George W. Bush may be the only cowboy rancher in the history of the world who has never been on horseback, but by God he looks great in a flight suit. Ronald Reagan may have napped his entire Presidency away, but at least we always understood that the bombing would start in ten minutes. And John McCain is so fucking manly he needs a team of trained professionals to get his zipper up in the morning, he's so goddam masculine that his campaign slogan really should be JOHN McCAIN: NOT STUPID, JUST FILLED TO THE GUNWALES WITH TESTOSTERONE.

I say that in light of this revelation as to the only vital trait we require in our Chief Executive, we cancel the Presidential election and hold a steel cage match instead. Obama vs. McCain, one night only, in the Thunder Dome -- two Senators go in, but only one comes out! Let Johnny the Mac sob "I was a P.O.W.!!!!" as "Slamma" Obama beats him senseless with a folding chair. Make it a tag-team match; after the Senator from Illinois has reduced his aged opponent to a whimpering puddle of liver spotted gruel, Michelle can bitch slap and terrorist fist jab Cindy into dazed submission.

Obviously, I kid. Mayhem and violence are no way to settle matters of national and international significance, no matter what the battered Iraqi civilian populace may otherwise believe. Instead, we weak, pansified, mangina bearing progressives must resign ourselves to the inevitable victory of Manly Man McCain and the rest of his He Man Women Haters Club (AKA, the Republican Party). And after Johnny McC is sworn in, perhaps he'll hire Barack Obama and a few other sissies just like him as White House secretaries. That way, McCain and his fellow Heroic Alpha Males will always have someone around that they can kid with. They can knock Obama's lunch tray out of his hands, anonymously circulate mock FBI alerts with Obama's picture on them and "WANTED for being a FAGIT" hilariously typed underneath, pick the former Senator from Illinois up by the ankles and dunk him head first in the Oval Office toilet while chanting "faggggzzzzzz fagggggzzzz" and hitting each other in the fat part of the arm.

All in good fun, of course. All in good fun.

Oh, how we'll laugh when those golden days return once more. With a true manly man as U.S. President we'll once again be able to openly mock homos here in the land of the free and the home of the brave. Having resoundingly put the uppity Obamas back in their places, decent Americans will once more be able to enjoy gentle, harmless racial humor, just like when our future President was a wee lad listening to his dad and uncles telling hilarious spic, kike, spade, and Polack jokes around the family Thanksgiving table.

God forbid Barack Obama be elected U.S. President, because what we all fear most is a sissy boy in high office. And what the world needs now more than ever is yet another vastly powerful Commander in Chief with testosterone poisoning.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for that -- I needed a good laugh today!