Networking for dummies

LinkedIn keeps inviting me to join groups like "Writer's World" and "Writer's Nook" and "Freeing the Writer Within". 

I don't need these groups. I need the group entitled "Editors Who Will Actually Read Your Work And Possibly Buy It If It's Good Without Making You Wait Two Years In A Slush Pile and Then Sending Your Ms. Back Unread When You Finally Call Their Intern Up To Inquire About It". 

Now is where Joe R. Lansdale bombs into my thread and tells me how easy it is these days for kids like me to self publish and how the he personally knows people who sell their work and have successful writing careers every day.