Arrr arrr aagggghhh ::thud::

Or, Pirates vs. Ninjas: The Final Chapter

Everywhere I go, some jackass is bringing up this fucking 'pirates vs ninjas' thing. Which is retarded, because, like, if ninjas fought pirates, the pirates would be dead from poisoned goddam grog or something before they could even unlimber a cutlass or wheel out a 12 pound gun. But the entire argument is idiotic, and I will hereby resolve it once and for all by saying, Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos would kill every single motherfucking pirate and/or ninja who has ever lived in the history of the universe with their eyebrows while falling down drunk on a 72 hour pass in downtown Brussels, for the sweet love of baby jesus, so, for Christ's sake, everybody shut the fuck up about it.

That should be the final goddam word on the subject.

Now, if you want to get into an interesting (if equally retarded) debate, try the 'astronauts vs. cavemen' one I first encountered while watching the fifth (which is to say, the only truly non-suckass) season of ANGEL. And yes, that particular debate is just as stupid as the pirates vs. ninjas thing, because with or without weapons, the astronauts win this one every single time, hands down, one foot trapped in a half empty 24 can cube of Pepsi, unless, of course, you feel 10,000 years of social evolution are completely meaningless, in which case, you ain't part of the solution, buddy.

Stupid or not, though, it's a more interesting debate to have, as you're talking about, basically, ideas and concepts (like, civilization vs. savagery, intelligence vs. instinct, and teamwork vs. sheer raw brutal power) as opposed to what you're arguing about with pirates vs. ninjas -- dipshit stuff like fighting styles (swinging down on a lanyard with a cutlass in your teeth vs sneaking around flicking poisoned shuriken everywhere), weaponry (stupid fucking swords vs, you know, cool poisoned shuriken) and wardrobe choices (nifty black robes with nifty black hoods vs, you know, old pants, boots with holes in them, and a belt across your flabby, concave piratical motherfucking chest).

Also, I suspect a team of astronauts could probably take down Sgt. Rock and the Howling Commandos, too, as long as the astronauts weren't stuck with that crazy broad in the diapers on their team.