Self gratification, part 2

More of this nonsense? Hey, Scott, Nate, and SuperGirlfriend all encouraged me. I have to do what they say! Plus, it's fun. Deal.

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MAOTE: So… essentially, you’re going to take everything Bendis did on AVENGERS and write it all off as having occurred in… what… the authorized AVENGERS comic book that exists in the Marvel Universe?

ME: Sure.

MAOTE: Well… it’s… hmmm. You realize that every Brian Michael Bendis fan in the known universe is going to declare jihad on your ass, right?


ME: Yeah, well, Marvel’s not going to hire me to write AVENGERS any time soon, and if they did, I doubt they’d let me do that on the book. But you asked me what I’d write if I could, and that’s it.

MAOTE: You don’t think there’s any way to work within what Bendis has established? To, you know, de-emphasize what you feel isn’t exactly AVENGER-ly about what Bendis has done, and get the book back on track, without simply eliminating... what… two years of continuity… wholesale?

ME: Dude. Wolverine is in the Avengers.

MAOTE: It’s… I… well, you could throw him out…

ME: But then he would always have been in the Avengers, and next time, like, Kurt Busiek or Mark Waid or someone does this story where he brings in every Avenger who has ever lived…

MAOTE: Yeah… okay…

ME: I mean, we have to put up with D-Man. For God’s sake. D-Man is always going to be an Avenger. And U.S. Agent. And Sersi. And Dr. Druid. And friggin’ She-Hulk. Now you want me to clutter up the roster forever with goddam WOLVERINE? Oh, please.

MAOTE: Well… fine, I see your point. Still, you would get a great many death threats.

ME: Yeah. I’d like to bring back the letters page just so I could print and respond to all of them, too.

MAOTE: What would you say?

ME: I don’t know. “Say, Bendis fan, why don’t you see how rich and creamy a lather you can work up on my ass with your lips?” Something like that.

MAOTE: Speaking of fan hostility, you’ve been baiting Modern Age fans in general, and few fan bloggers in specific, quite a bit lately on this blog.

ME: Well, idle hands, you know.

MAOTE: Sure. And it’s having its desired effect…?

ME: Er… hmmm. Well, everything’s about attention, and it’s certainly getting me some attention. As to desired effect… well, let’s see. Kalinara turns out to have a lot of class, which was unexpected but pleasant. Ragnell seems to be keeping things in proportion, and she keeps linking to me, so that’s cool.

MAOTE: So, as always, the chicks are all right. But the guys…

ME: Yeah, they’re all pissing their pants.

MAOTE: Because an overweight middle aged comic book geek said mean things about them.

ME: Well, no. Let’s be straight about that. I’ve said nothing but nice things about Scipio, for example. I linked to his blog and praised his HeroClix pogs, I’ve dropped very complimentary comments on his blog… generally, I’ve been very pleasant to him. I think he’s a very good, very funny writer, and an excellent game designer. I like his blog.

MAOTE: But…

ME: I don’t know. He seems to be trying to give the impression that he’s pissed off at me because I looked at a lot of Hal Jordan bashing on his blog and concluded that, like most Modern Age fans, he doesn’t like Hal. Mind you, there’s nothing anywhere on his blog that indicates anything to the contrary, but I guess I’m supposed to snatch the data that he actually loves Hal Jordan (warts and all) out of the very ether, or something.

MAOTE: But you said ‘he seems to be trying’. In actuality…

ME: I think he’s just fronting. He’s actually narked at me because I keep saying Vibe sucks. What’s worse is, he’s so intelligent that he has to realize on some level that Vibe DOES suck. He’s just mad at me for pointing it out.

MAOTE: Well, he’s… I mean, he’s gay, right?

ME: He certainly gives that impression.

MAOTE: Well, then, maybe he likes Vibe for reasons that wouldn’t normally occur to you.

ME: Hey, maybe he does; perhaps he admires Vibe’s fine, fine ass. That doesn’t change the fact that I love the Justice League of America, Vibe is part of the Detroit Justice League, and the Detroit Justice League was created by Gerry Conway, the worst writer and editor to ever completely destroy every title he ever wrote or edited. The Detroit Justice League may not be the absolute nadir of the Justice League’s existence, but that’s only because Giffen came along a couple of years later and did them even worse by turning them into an extended Three Stooges short for several years.

MAOTE: Well… yeah, but that’s all your baggage. I mean, so he likes a character you despise, a character that represents a horrible smear on the escutcheon of a beloved part of your childhood, a character who you can’t look at without wanting to vomit, a character… wait, I’m not helping, am I?

ME: If you’re leading up to ‘why cain’t we all jes’ get alooooong’, I may throw you out a window.

MAOTE: That would be an interesting form of self applied psychotherapy, to say the least. Okay. So, you’ve admired Scipio, you’ve praised Scipio, you’ve linked to his blog, you’ve been friendly and effusive, and still, he’s sulking. How does that make you feel?

ME: Well, I’d throw him out a window, but, you know, he’s way over there.

MAOTE: Okay. What about this Calvin guy?

ME: The one who is all upset because I spoke honestly and in a straightforward fashion to someone who put a lengthy, thoughtful post on a comment thread on my blog?

MAOTE: Hey, dude, you hammered her ass.

ME: You fuck with the eagles, you better know how to fly. Anyway, Kalinara is a doll; she’s not mad at me, so Calvin can shut up about it. Why is it that every male geek in the universe completely forgets that all the female geeks in the universe are perfectly capable of standing up for themselves if they want to? Kalinara’s a big girl; she doesn’t need some guy who lost his toy tiger at an early age and has been bitter about it ever since flailing around earnestly on her behalf.

MAOTE: And Diamondrock?

ME: ::snorting:: Numbnuts. I write a hundred word post explaining my position at length, with examples. He writes a six word response, and misspells one of those words. And he’s pissy because I get up on him for it.

MAOTE: It was probably a typo.

ME: It probably was. Judging from his other posts, he’s clearly articulate and intelligent. But I have no respect for people with microscopic attention spans who state the painfully obvious as if it’s some brilliant insight and who can’t even be bothered to spell all six words of their goddam comment correctly. Plus, he’s yet another one of these male geeks who fawns all over every female geek he can find on the Internet. Jesus, that’s sad.

MAOTE: You never indulged in the urge to suck up to a particularly pulchritudinous she-geek you found on the ‘net somewhere?

ME: I didn’t’ tell her I was in love with her in her frickin’ comment threads. That’s just pathetic.

MAOTE: Well… yeah, okay, I admit, I read that, I thought “dude, move out of your mom’s basement”.

ME: Seriously.

MAOTE: So, now… you think things are going to get better or worse?

ME: ::shrugging:: Look. I’m middle aged. I have a girlfriend I adore and plan to marry as soon as I can talk her into it. She has three kids I adore, too. I have a full time job. I live in the nicest home I’ve ever had. I have a life, you know? I blog for fun. Now, given that Ragnell has already pretty much threatened war if I don’t tell her and all her friends that I’m just kidding around, well… I would guess this isn’t going to placate anyone. But ‘better or worse’? Unlike Diamond-dude, I’m not trying to sleep with any of these people. How does any of this make my life ‘better’ or ‘worse’? If they start trolling me in my comment threads, I’ll delete their shit. Other than that, what are they going to do, spell out WE HATE HIGHLANDER with their Yu-gi-oh cards and chant the Teen Titans Go! theme song at me a few times?

MAOTE: Okay. Dude, that is definitely not going to help.

ME: Yeah, I’m being condescending again. I’m old, they’re young, I’ll probably die before they do, they’ll just have to deal with it until then.

MAOTE: You’ll come to a bad end, laddie. Speaking of Diamond-dude trying to sleep with Ragnell… think he’s got a shot?

ME: Oh, please. She thinks he’s sweet. Sweet is like the kiss of death to all hopes of ever getting any from a chick.

MAOTE: Not to mention he’s being all needy and shit in her comment threads.

ME: Yeah, chicks find that to be so hot. Plus, she’s Wiccan. Wiccan chicks are awesome in bed, but Diamond-dude strikes me as a little too mainstream to interest one. Leaving aside, you know, the sweet thing and the needy thing, which are, again, a death sentence to all hopes of sexual gratification from any woman in the history of the world.

MAOTE: Okay, but, to sum up… you’re making absolutely no effort whatsoever to be placatory, to build bridges, to reach out, to make these people more comfortable, to be liked.

ME: I don’t live with these people, I don’t work with these people, I don’t anticipate playing HeroClix with these people or having them come over to my house for an RPG session. I don’t require any of them to kiss my ass and I’m sure not going to kiss any of theirs. I say what I feel like saying on my blog, and I don’t think I’ve done anything to or with any of these people that requires or merits an apology, or even an explanation. If they don’t like my writing, they can say so, or they can stop reading it. As long as they keep their comments reasonably civil, they’re welcome in the threads. But I don’t write to please anyone but myself.

MAOTE: And what would you say to anyone who pointed out that you are, basically, in this blogging post and the previous one like this, just talking to yourself?

ME: That's as good a description of blogging as any.

MAOTE: Fair enough. Okay. So, let's talk about politics for a while...

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More later!