Martian re-Vision

For quite a few months now, the link to the Martian Vision site has been non-fuctional. So I'm starting the laborious process of getting all my Martian Vision articles back up online. To that extent, I've created another blog to post the articles to. There are only a few over there at the moment, but I hope to get a few more up a week, at least, until I have them all back on the 'net again.

In the meantime, as a special bonus, here's a little thing I meant to publish as a Martian Vision article and never got around to, based on some experiences I had while working for the Tampa City Clerk's office several years ago:

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IN CHAMBERS, JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA
SATELLITE SANCTUARY:


The Justice League of America, convened in an adjourned regular session at 9:00 p.m. on this the 18th day of March, 1990 with Hawkman, Chairman Pro Tem, presiding. Members present upon roll call were: Green Lantern Guy Gardner, Blue Beetle, Captain Atom, Fire, Ice, Flash, Booster Gold, Metamorpho, Martian Manhunter, Animal Man, Black Canary, and Crimson Fox, constituting a quorum. League member Batman arrived late. Guest non-member Wonder Woman was in attendance.

Maxwell Lord, League Executive Officer, was in attendance.

Upon the invitation of League member Martian Manhunter, the demon lord Trigon delivered the invocation followed by the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag.

There was some discussion by various League members as to the desirability and practicality of kicking Trigon's ass during the invocation. Guy Gardner advised that Trigon was a big ugly monkey and should be beaten like a pinata. Flash wept into his hands as he chokingly recounted various atrocities Trigon had visited upon his former teammates in the New Teen Titans. Animal Man declared that he would do anything for there to be just one small bear or gorilla in the room he could absorb the powers of. The Martian Manhunter told everyone to shut the hell up or he'd kill them all.

During the Pledge of Allegiance, the Crimson Fox seemed to be protesting something, but no one, not even the clerk, could understand her outrageous French accent.

With the invocation and Pledge completed, Trigon advised the League that soon he would extract the souls of everyone on Earth and devour them. He then hit Batman in the face with a cream pie and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Chairman Pro Tem Hawkman called the room to order and asked if there was any old business.

OLD BUSINESS:

File No. 90-0022 - Ordinance No. 90-0317

Presenting an ordinance that Guy Gardner have to wear a fully hooding head mask because he is so damn ugly, or at least, get a better haircut. (Original motion sponsored by Flash and Booster Gold, Guy Gardner absent at first vote.)

Guy Gardner appeared before the League to address this ordinance. He stated that he would personally rip the eyes out of Flash and Booster Gold's heads and piss in their empty sockets if they didn't shut the hell up and stop messing with the only real man the League had. He advised that they were messing with their heartbeats.

Batman appeared before the League and advised Guy Gardner to sit down and shut up.

Booster Gold withdrew the motion, over the ridicule and derision of League members Flash, Blue Beetle, and Captain Atom, who indicated that they thought he was a baby, a coward, and a wuss.

File No. 90-0023 - Resolution No. 90-0832

Resolution authorizing the immediate expulsion of the entire League membership except for Batman, Black Canary, the Martian Manhunter, and Hawkman, and the immediate offering of membership to Superman, Green Lantern Hal Jordan, the Atom, and Wonder Woman.

Blue Beetle appeared before the League to ask what the hell?

Guy Gardner appeared before the League to state You wish.

Maxwell Lord appeared before the League to say, Never happen.

Motion: (Batman-Hawkman) That said resolution be adopted. Motion defeated, with Metamorpho stating for the record "Ya ya, bite me, Bat-ears."

Motion: (Guy Gardner-Captain Atom) That all the old League fogeys be shoved out the airlock. Motion not voted on at this time because Batman gave everyone a dirty look and they sat down and shut up.

Motion: (Flash-Blue Beetle) That someone order pizza. Motion carried.

File No. 90-0023 - Resolution No. 90-0833

Resolution approving the League's determination to fight evil at all times, wherever and whenever it may appear, and enacting that determination as an imperative League law. (Original motion sponsored by Batman and the Martian Manhunter.)

Ice appeared before the League to express her deep admiration for this resolution and her willingness to abide by it provided it did not ruin her manicure.

Motion: (Ice-Fire) That said resolution be amended to include a clause allowing League members with nice manicures to excuse themselves from fighting evil if there was a significant chance they might break a nail. Motion carried with Batman, the Martian Manhunter, and Hawkman expressing disgust.

Flash appeared before the League to express his total support for the resolution assuming there was nothing good on TV, otherwise, fighting evil would have to wait until FRIENDS or the basketball game was over.

Motion: (Flash-Booster Gold) That said resolution be amended to include a clause allowing League members to excuse themselves from battling evil if there was something good on TV, specifically but not limited to a new episode of FRIENDS or a good basketball game, or any sporting event during playoffs. Motion carried with Batman, Hawkman, and the Martian Manhunter threatening to kill everyone else in the room if they voted for the motion.

Motion: (Fire-Captain Atom) that a resolution that the League fight evil anywhere it might appear, at any time, provided said evil battling activities not have a significant chance of breaking anyone's nails, or occur during the broadcast of anything good on TV, including but not limited to, new episodes of FRIENDS, a basketball game, or any sporting event during play offs. Motion carried. Batman, Hawkman, and the Martian Manhunter absent at time of vote, due to their leaving in disgust.


File No. 90-0023 - Ordinance No. 90-0032

Booster Gold spoke at length suggesting a new ordinance for the purposes of making the process of granting League membership more rigorous and selective.

Presenting an ordinance requiring all present female League members and future female League applicants to provide full frontal personal nude photos as part of their application, as well as to submit to personal interviews designed to test their capacity to 'work with the team' and 'enhance the morale of the male team members', said interviews to be conducted specifically by Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, and Guy Gardner.

Animal Man appeared before the League to state that he fully supported this ordinance and would like everyone to know that he could easily absorb the sexual endowment of a horse or a mule if necessary, and because of this, he strongly suggested the ordinance be amended to include himself on the membership review committee.

Fire appeared before the League to state that she would personally kill anyone voting for the adoption of this ordinance.

Wonder Woman appeared before the League to state that anyone Fire killed, she would use the Amazon purple ray to raise from the dead, so she could kill them again, really painfully.

The Crimson Fox appeared before the League to state something completely unintelligible.

Motion: (Captain Atom-Guy Gardner) That said resolution be adopted. Motion was defeated. Immediately after the vote, Guy Gardner asked for a recess so he could dig Wonder Woman's boot out of his ass.


NEW BUSINESS:

AGENDA AUDIENCE:

Chairman Pro Tem Captain Atom invited anyone in the audience wishing to speak before the League to come forward.

Dr. Bruce Gordon appeared before the League to state that he wanted to build a gigantic ring of satellites that would create conditions of artificial daylight 24 hours a day throughout the world. He stated that there would be virtually no chance that these satellites could fail in such a way as to create an artificial eclipse.

Baron Winter appeared before the League to state that he thought Dr. Gordon's idea was truly appalling.

Kent and Inza Nelson appeared before the League to state that they would save the universe... as soon as they were finished walking the dog.

Maxwell Lord appeared before the League to introduce an amazing dancing frog. The frog, dressed in a top hat, sat unmoving for several minutes with a small cane laying on the floor next to it. Finally, Maxwell Lord put it back in a box and took it back to his seat, muttering.

Nightwing appeared before the League to state that he was not either gay and he would beat up anybody who said differently.

Power Girl appeared before the League to jump up and down several times while giggling vapidly.

Captain James T. Kirk appeared before the League, looked around in apparent confusion, spoke tersely into a very small cell phone, and then vanished in a strange, glittering gold haze.

Bloodwynd appeared before the League and stated that he was really John Jones, the Manhunter from Marathon, IL, also known as Doc Nebula, and occasionally as other things as well.


COMMITTEE REPORTS:

Finance Committee - Maxwell Lord, Chairman

FILE NO. V007-93

Resolution that all residents of India be taxed one chicken to support ongoing Justice League activities.
Motion: (Lord-Gardner) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

FILE NO. L0019-93

Resolution that Batman be fined $14 billion for being scary and snotty to his fellow League members.
Motion: (Lord-Gardner) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

FILE NO. V0025-93

Resolution that Maxwell Lord's expense vouchers be accepted and paid without undue scrutiny or oversight.
Motion: (Lord-Gardner) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

FILE NO. V0026-93

Resolution that Guy Gardner be granted access to a League expense account for purposes of entertaining potential recruits.
Motion: (Lord-Gardner) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

Transportation Committee - Chairman The Flash

FILE NO. G0087-93

Resolution that NO FAT CHICKS signs be posted on all League teleportation tubes.
Motion: (Flash-Beetle) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

FILE NO. T0012-93

Resolution that all non Earthly space craft found within 1 A.U. radius of Earth be impounded and sold at auction to raise revenues for League activities.
Motion: (Flash-Beetle) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

FILE NO. T0032-93

Resolution that Wonder Woman be requested to pilot a visible plane and wear an invisible costume.
Motion: (Flash-Beetle) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

Building & Expansion Committee - Chairman Metamorpho

FILE NO. T0065-93

Resolution approving addition of new series of chambers to JLA's Secret Sanctuary for the specific purpose of adding a wet bar, full screen TV with satellite reception, sauna, hot tubs, bowling alley, video and pinball games, foosball and air hockey tables, and a fully staffed kitchen at all times. Said renovations to be paid for by Wayne Enterprises.

Motion: (Metamorpho-Beetle) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

FILE NO. T0073-89

Resolution that the League build a really bitchin' intergalactic space cruiser to go kick Adam Strange's wimpy little ass with and give his girlfriend a chance to see some real men in action. Said space cruiser to be paid for by Wayne Enterprises.

Motion: (Metamorpho-Beetle) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

Crude Non Politically Correct Stuff Committee - Chairman, Guy Gardner

FILE NO. V0063-97

Resolution approving the use of Oberon in dwarf tossing contests.

Oberon, a dwarf, appeared before the League and begged piteously that he not be degraded in this fashion.

Motion: (Gardner-Lord) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

FILE NO. V0078 CH 43

Resolution requiring the language in all League documents be altered in such fashion as to substitute the phrase 'big hooter babes with ultrapowers' for 'superheroines'.

Motion: (Gardner-Lord) That said resolution be adopted. Motion defeated. Guy Gardner once more asked for a recess to pull Wonder Woman's boot out of his ass.

FILE NO. V0015-28

Resolution that the League recruit some spics, chinks, gooks, kikes, or jigaboos pronto, before the Feds got on the League's ass about affirmative action.

Motion: (Gardner-Lord) That said resolution be adopted. Motion carried.

Motion: (Beetle-Metamorpho) That Guy Gardner be instructed to find some hot gook bimbo with superpowers to join the League immediately, because gook chicks are easy. Motion carried.

FILE NO. V0017-32

Resolution that J'onn J'onzz, the Manhunter from Mars, be required to shapeshift in such a way that during all League meetings and functions, he appears identical to Yasmin Bleeth in a bikini.

Motion: (Gardner-Lord) That said resolution be adopted. Motion defeated when J'onn J'onzz burned a threatening message into the metal wall of the satellite's meeting room while listening to the meeting with his Martian hearing from Earth's surface.

A D J O U R N M E N T:

Motion: (Flash-Beetle) That JLA meeting be adjourned, and any interested members reconvene to discuss global security, humanitarian interventionalism, and negotiated international trade accords, at the Pink Kitty Lounge in Star City. Motion carried.