Web Search nikon coolpix digital cameras The Miserable Annals of the Earth: Conservative courtesy

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Conservative courtesy

Liberals, of course, are widely known to use offensive, insulting, even threatening invective when they argue with conservatives. We're the trolls under the bridge in political debate; the toxins in the water table. We pollute everything with our foul language and our complete unwillingness to be civil or rational or polite. You just can't have a courteous conversation with us; we're unhinged and can't be trusted and potentially psychotically violent.

From Digby's blog, these t-shirts, which apparently are being sold on several conservative sites, including Michelle Malkin's new one:





















In this spirit, I hereby present my very own

FUN FACTS ABOUT CONSERVATIVES --

The main diet of the conservative is horseshit, intermixed with varying amounts of bullshit. This gives them really bad breath, but on the other hand, makes them easy to detect and avoid.

Conservatives will attempt to insult, threaten, harangue, and denounce you into accepting their narrow-minded biases as scientific fact and their own personal and peculiar, often medieval, codes of behavior as binding universal law. When you respond with a preference to continue thinking for yourself, they will demand that you be arrested and/or hung. Avoid them. There is no reasoning with them. Eventually they’ll go back into their holes, after we vote enough of their greedy, power-crazed representatives out of office, and/or put them in jail.

Asking guests to give up their firearms at the door will keep conservatives from entering your home.

Conservatives are violently opposed to anyone doing anything they personally disapprove of, but have yet to suggest any remotely valid reason why anyone else should care.

If you see a massive fuel-hog SUV on the road, it’s probably being driven by a conservative. It would be wrong to follow it until it parks and then plaster its windshield with REELECT GORE IN 2004 stickers. Wrong. Wrong.

Conservatives are constantly threatening liberals with violence, imprisonment, and/or death. They seem to forget which side has the brains.

The most dangerous predator of conservatives is an honest special prosecutor.

Inspired by deceitful television ads and emotional catch phrases rarely composed of multisyllabic words, conservatives ‘support the troops’ by putting stickers on their cars and talking their children out of enlisting in the armed forces. What this accomplishes, other than making conservatives feel smug about themselves, is anyone’s guess.

Conservatives are always demanding that lawbreakers go to jail, until they get caught breaking the law, at which point, they scramble frantically to hire expensive lawyers to get them out from under. Just go to jail, bitches!


And then there’s

LIMBAUGH – OXYCONTIN – JAIL

Some equal application of law required


I don't know. My t-shirt would have to have really small type on it. But conservatives have such short attention spans, it probably wouldnt' matter, anyway.


3 Comments:

At 10:38 AM , Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Love it!! It simply amazes me the stuff that conservatives think is "funny" about liberals.

 
At 5:46 AM , Blogger AaA said...

The main diet of liberals and conservatives is attention. Starve either of it and they might go away.

While liberals will attempt to use twisted logic to confuse you, conservatives will simply lie outrageously and simply expect you to believe whatever they say. The best way to detect whether either is lying to or bullshitting you is by careful observation of their lips. If motion is detected, lies and bullshit are sure to issue forth.

While spraying is likely the best means of ridding yourself of either form of infestation, either can be removed by mentioning a moderate solution to any one of their favorite hot-button issues.

Liberals have yet to propose a useful solution to any of the valid concerns they'd like to address, and conservatives continue to pocket the proceeds from the various profit-generating problem-solving measures they've implemented to solve a lot of horseshit problems that didn't need solving. Suggesting to either that a moderate stance on any given hot-button issue might actually offer a workable solution will send either into a panic of denial and rage.

As a moderate, I can't help but notice that liberals have yet to even propose an import ban on automobiles getting less than 35mpg, nor an excise or luxury tax on similar domestic vehicles, likely because their enslavement to the labor unions makes them as much victims of corporate dominance as the conservative stooges of the oil comapnies.

The intolerance and bigotry present in so many conservatives is only rivalled by the short-sightedness of liberals attempting to fight them, who propose solutions that merely create new problems.

Once all the conservatives are in jail, and liberals are finally cordoned off in their campus strongholds, moderates can get around to fixing the world.

Someday, liberals might learn that a moderate stance's arguments against some of the more offensive conservative acts will do more to sway public opinion than pride marches and throwing blood on fur wearers. Someday.

The hypocrites on both sides tend to develop selective hearing real fast when moderates point out their hypocrisy from a moral high ground that neither can reach.


Full session of Congress addressed by the President and Vice-President, with Cabinet and the full SCOTUS attending. Thermonuclear weapon. Some assembly required.

 
At 10:26 AM , Blogger Opus P. Penguin said...

I'm not a fan of generalizing the behaviors of any group, but I find both lists funny. If Husband reads this his head will probably explode (add to conservative list: no sense of humor about politics unless it comes at the expense of a liberal).

I'm for aaa's solution: a good carpet bombing with DEET. Or cut off the air conditioning to all government buildings in Washington and make them go home.

 

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