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So we’re going to war with Iran!

I say it’s fabulous. Sure, the war in Iraq hasn’t worked out quite as well as we’d have liked it to, but that’s all because we refuse to learn the lesson of Vietnam – when you’ve got nukes, you need to use ‘em.

Yes, it’s an irrefutable fact; if we’d just turned all goddam Southeast Asia into a giant radioactive parking lot, we wouldn’t be having any problems with these goddam Middle Eastern islamofascists today. I can’t tell you specifically what the connection is there, but I’m sure deep down inside there must be one. And if we’d just take the kid gloves off with those fucking insurrectionists in Iraq, if we’d just lob around a few nuclear warheads there, turn a few raghead ant hills into gigantic glowing sand dunes, those camel jockies would fall right the fuck into line as well. It would have worked in ‘nam, it would work in Iraq, and it will sure as God made little brown Texicani topless dancers work on those mullah-fuckers in Iran. Deep in your heart you know it’s right.

Now, there are people (and mind you, I know ‘em) who will carp and snivel and whine about the moral dimension to profligately tossing nuclear weapons of mass destruction about a densely populated area like the Middle East. Pardon my titties, but this is entirely pansy ass. Pretty much any time some egghead four eyes namby-pamby starts crying like a little girl about the moral dimension to anything you can bet he’s secretly thinking about how much he’d like to have group sex with everyone who’s ever been in the Moody Blues all at once, which pretty much puts paid to the whole moral dimension thing right there. So fuck all that. The simple fact of the matter is this: We invented toasters so we wouldn’t have to hold bread on sticks over campfires any more, and we invented nuclear bombs so we wouldn’t have to shoot our enemies in their little fritz-helmeted or turban wrapped heads any more. What the hell do these people want, we should all start living in caves and hunting extinct species like frickin’ velociraptors and saber-toothed ground sloths again? Screw that noise. Nukes are just another invention and sure they’re going to kill a christload of towelheads, but you know, that’s why they call it a weapon of mass destruction, right? Case goddam closed.

The current guy ruling in Iran, who has some horrible goddam towelhead name I can’t even remember, is exactly like Hitler, if Hitler wore a towel on his head. Sure, the godless egghead faggots will try and tell you that we were calling Saddam Hussein Hitler a couple of years ago, but so what? There can’t be two Hitlers? Pardon my flatulence, but that’s just too frickin’ candy butt for me. Maybe all those people who think we shouldn’t call dictatorial maniacs who are trying to conquer the world Hitler can just convene a seminar somewhere and have some sensitivity training, but to me, these guys are just the same as Hitler. If Hitler wore a towel on his head.

One of the reasons we invaded Iraq is because Saddam Hussein was just like Hitler. He had his secret police arresting people for no reason, locking them up without a trial, torturing them and executing them. He invaded another country for completely bogus goddam reasons. He was an evil man, and there is no reason in the world that we should apologize for kicking his ass and saving the Iraqi people from his horrible depredations, no matter what the goddam liberals will tell you. Oh, sure, we invaded his country for completely bogus reasons that turned out to all be lies, and sure, we’ve arrested some goddam sand jockeys and locked them up without trials and tortured them and executed them, but only a moral moron could possibly mistake us for Saddam Hussein, because he’s a goddam Arab and we’re Americans. Americans are always the good guys. We saved the entire planet from the Nazis and the Eye-ties and the Japs and what have you back in the Big One, and don’t you forget it. So if we have to do a few things that maybe don’t seem so great every once in a while to stop a modern day Hitler like Saddam, or what the fuck is his name this other fucking raghead in Iran, well, that’s just how it’s going to be. A real hero understands that and does what he has to do, and that’s what the good ol’ U.S. of A is… a real hero among nations. Not like those pussy ass French fucks.

Some of these liberal queers are going to try and tell you that there are so called ulterior motives for the President and his advisors to want to nuke Iran into a gigantic piece of radioactive turd. They’ll say stuff like Cheney just wants to stay in power no matter what and Bush thinks it’s fun to be a war time President and the Republicans have fucked up everything else so they need a war to run against the Democrats on, because nobody votes Democrat when we’re going to war, because Democrats are all bedwetting pussies, and everybody knows it. But fuck all that. That’s all I have to say about it. Fuck all that. Except for the part about Democrats being bedwetting pussies, which they all are. But I'm talking about these worthless unpatriotic bitches who are sniveling about the President and his people having ulterior motives. Screw that. These are good men and fine Americans and they have access to information we don’t have and we need to trust our leaders in these trying times. If they say we need to nuke Iran until it glows and then piss on it in the dark, our job is to get our zippers down and make sure we’re all pointing our johnsons in the same direction. We’re at war, and dissent is a peacetime privilege that turns into treason in a time of crisis. And nobody better forget it, by the fucking Jesus. Yeah, that means YOU, punk. That’s right, twerp-o. I’ve got my eye on you, and you better believe it, buddy boy.

Now, the last resort of the undermining left wing pansy is to start whining at the top of his lungs about the goddam towelhead women and children who are living under the shadow of our imperialist aggression, waking and sleeping in total terror of having themselves and all their loved ones wiped out without warning by an American cobalt bomb. Well, the little fuckers should be afraid; if they were decent Christians we wouldn’t be thinking about nuking their asses, now would we? They can convert. And I’m thinking they better find a Bible and start thumping it pretty frickin’ quick, too. But if they want to stay pagan, well, they better hope Allah’s gonna dig ‘em a fallout shelter. That’s all I have to say about that, and you’re goddamn well told.

So saddle up, cowhands! We’re going to war again! There’s another christly Hitler and more fucking towelheads who need to have their asses kicked, and you bet America is just the country to do it!