Web Search nikon coolpix digital cameras The Miserable Annals of the Earth: Moments in time I would like to visit...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Moments in time I would like to visit...

...with a high powered electric cattle prod.



MOMENT #1:

SOME DIPSHIT PRODUCER: So, the DAREDEVIL movie is a go! We've inked Ben Affleck to do the title role, and....

ME: (quirking my eyebrows as I smoothly draw my taser) Hmmmm? Ah... No. No, I think not.

F.X.: (as I zotz this idiot over and over again in the genitalia with a heavy duty taser) ZZZOT! ZZZAAP! ZZZOWW!

SOME DIPSHIT PRODUCER: AUUUUGHHHHHHH! AIIEEEEEEE! AUUUWAUUUUGHHHH!

Oh, yeah.

MOMENT #2:

SOME DIPSHIT PRODUCER: It's an adaptation of that Jimmy Stewart movie BELL, BOOK & CANDLE. And we're going to call the lead male character 'Darren'...

ME: (suddenly springing from the underbrush) Suffer and DIE, dipshit jamoke!

F.X.: (as I zotz this idiot over and over again in the genitalia with a heavy duty taser) ZZZOT! ZZZAAP! ZZZOWW!

SOME DIPSHIT PRODUCER: AUUUUGHHHHHHH! AIIEEEEEEE! AUUUWAUUUUGHHHH!

Oh MY yes.

MOMENT #3:

GEORGE LUCAS: So, essentially, yes, the film has the same central plot as STAR WARS, only the Empire is trying to blow up the Ewok home planet with their new Death Star instead of the Rebel base. However, we do the big reveal that Luke and Lea are brother and sister, and both the children of Darth Vader, resolving the Luke/Lea/Han triangle neatly. And Darth Vader repents his evil ways and then at the very end he shows up as a happy ghost with Obiwan and Yoda...

ME: For the love of all that's holy I must at this juncture in space/time destroy your testicles with electricity, Mr. Lucas.

F.X.: (as I zotz this idiot over and over again in the genitalia with a heavy duty taser) ZZZOT! ZZZAAP! ZZZOWW!

GEORGE LUCAS: AUUUUGHHHHHHH! AIIEEEEEEE! AUUUWAUUUUGHHHH!

Awesome.

MOMENT #4:

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE REHNQUIST: So, all things considered, I believe it is best to halt the recount process mandated by the lesser court, and...

ME: (appearing in a Star Trek transporter special effect) For the future! For the WORLD!

F.X.: (as I zotz this idiot over and over again in the genitalia with a heavy duty taser) ZZZOT! ZZZAAP! ZZZOWW!

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE REHNQUIST: AUUUUGHHHHHHH! AIIEEEEEEE! AUUUWAUUUUGHHHH!

Justice, like lightning, ever shall appear.

I'm pretty sure I'll do a lot more of these later.

1 Comments:

At 4:56 PM , Blogger Nate said...

SOME ASSWIPE HOLLYWOOD TV WRITER-WANNABE: So, you see, we just take a bunch of random twenty-somethings, stick 'em all in a house wired for sight and sound, and put the best bits on TV. I call it Reality--

FX/SFX: NATE SUDDENLY APPEARS, DISPLACING THE AIR AROUND HIM WITH A TINY POPPING THUNDERCLAP

NATE: Oh FUCK NO, ASSHOLE!! I watch TV to escape reality, not be subjected to it at length. For the good of all mankind, I must now electrocute every sperm-producing cell in your body...

FX/SFX: BRZZZAAAZZTTT!!! BRRRMRRTT!!! KZOTTZZZZZ!!!! FRAZZZZZTTTT!!!!

 

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home