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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

God is not mocked -- but, you know, some of his butt buddies need to be

Slow day today, and with little better to do – certainly, no comments from all the new readers coming by here that Statcounter is telling me about to respond to – I might as well make fun of some conservative blowtard.

Soooooooo…

Rosie Is the Radical

By Coach Dave Daubenmire

Email: coach@ptsalt.com

Warning: May offend sugary-sweet Christians. Read at your own risk.

Allow me to be brief.


I’d certainly allow it. But he won’t do it. Oh noooooooo.

I think my head is about to explode.

I got totally excited when I read this. It would have been just like all those cool head-popping scenes in SCANNERS. But then, just like a conservative blowtard, he totally failed to deliver. It’s like that trailer for the Steven Seagal movie that promises “Steven Seagal EXPLODES -- ON DEADLY GROUND!!!!” But he never does. Man, I hated that. I would have bought that movie on DVD and watched it over and over again if only Steven Seagal had actually exploded in it.

I am sick and tired of the way our language is being misused.

And all your readers can certainly relate to that, sir.

Our schools aren’t educating our kids, parents are glued to Desperate Housewives, and our churches spend all of their time catching angel fish in an aquarium rather than confronting the sharks swimming in the streets.

I’m not sure, but I think this translates as “a couple of schools are still teaching evolution instead of Creationism, I read in the paper that some people who don’t go to my church are watching shows I don’t want them to watch on TV, and our churches aren’t burning people I don’t like at the stake any more”. Or something like that. I do, however, want to point out the wonderfully wretched writing implicit in the ‘sharks swimming in the streets’ metaphor. Or maybe he’s talking about post-Dubya New Orleans, I don’t know.

How in the world can Rosie O’Donnell get a TV show? How can anyone take her seriously?

I’m guessing it’s much the same mechanism that provides idiots like Coach Dave with their own column and an audience that actually enjoys reading it. Assuming there actually are people who enjoy reading this crap. Well, okay, I enjoy making fun of it, but still, I wouldn't pay for it or anything.

Won’t anyone call her on her idiocy?

I think this mans, Christ on a fucking crutch, why hasn’t anyone stoned this faggot bitch to death yet? Do I have to do EVERYthing for you people?

She said “radical Christianity” was as serious a threat as Islam.

Actually, what she said was “Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America where we have separation of church and state."

I myself cannot for the life of me understand why a homosexual woman living in America in 2006 would say something like that.

Hmmmm…

She should be thrown off of TV and her deviant rear-end should never be seen again. She sleeps with women of all things!

Oh. Wait. Maybe I’m starting to see why Rosie O’Donnell thinks radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam.

In Islamic countries she would be a dead-woman walking.

Okay. So in America right now, radical Christianity isn’t really as threatening to Rosie O’Donnell as radical Islam would be. But radical Christians are really upset by that, and wish someone would do something about it.

Tolerant America gives her a TV show. No wait…a second TV show.

Damn us! This is exactly why Jesus blew up all those fags in Sodom and Gomorrah! Why won’t Jesus blow up major American cities? Why does Jesus hate America? Or our cities?

Why can’t I get one?

I really want to say “Because you’re a gigantic fucktard”, but, well, Sean Hannity has a TV show, so it can’t be that. So, instead, I’ll just say “I imagine you can, if only on the PTL Channel. Or maybe on FOX.”

I sleep with a woman. And, it's legit.

Having read this column all the way through, I’d like to demand photographic evidence that any woman not getting paid for the service has ever even let this dipshit see her naked, at least, knowingly. But it would be pointless, since I’d be afraid to look at anything he might supply.

Sorry if I don’t sound very Christian.

No, you do, you do. You sound exactly like the kind of Christian Rosie thinks is as dangerous as radical Islam, actually.

I’m sick of it -- sick of the networks, sick of homosexuality, sick of the promotion of deviancy in America, including so-called tolerance in our schools.

And well you should be. What the hell kind of country lets people do whatever they want in the privacy of their own homes? What the hell kind of country says it’s okay for fags to be fags, and even gives a porky fag bitch like Rosie Fucking O’Donnell two different TV shows to be a porky fag bitch on? What the hell kind of country says faggot kids can go to school and not get the living shit beat out of them by decent Christian kids for being fags? This certainly isn’t a Christian country. Christ almighty! Everyone should be ashamed. If Jesus were alive today he and the 12 Apostles would be down in front of the gay bar shoving faggots into the gutter and popping their jaws like Coke bottles against the granite curb. Goddam, that would be sweet. Christ, I’m getting a massive boner just thinkin’ about that shit. Curbin’ fags with the Savior. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Luckily, I am one public school graduate who can still think clearly.

Okay, once again, I think I’m going to need photographic proof of this assertion. Having read this column, I just can’t take it on faith.

While everyone else is shocked that she compared Christianity to Islam, I am shocked at what she considers radical. So I looked it up.

Radical—“favoring drastic political, economic, or social reforms”

Let that sink in. A radical favors "drastic political, economic, or social reforms."


I admit, I’m flabbergasted that this idiot can even read. I’m still letting that sink in. But okay, let’s go on:

Since the inception of mankind on the earth, marriage has been between a man and a woman.

It… I… the Romans… the Greeks… ancient Egypt… no. Never mind.

Christians and anyone with a drop of common sense want to keep it that way.

Those of us with more than a drop of common sense, and more than two brain cells, however, may disagree. That's the great thing about America. You can believe anything you want, even if you're a Christian and you only have a drop of common sense. Or not.

Rosie favors “drastic social reform.” She "married” another woman and she wants us to celebrate it. Who’s the radical?

I don’t think Rosie denied she was a radical… um… no, I'm pretty sure that isn't even an issue she raised.

Abortion has ALWAYS been a crime. Christians want to keep it that way.

Abortion isn’t currently a crime anywhere in America outside, you know, Fucktard-land. Fucktard-land just made it a crime this year. Christians desperately want to make abortion illegal everywhere in the world, I grant you. Wanting to change the existent legal structure all over the world so that people go to jail for violating your particular religious beliefs as they apply to medical procedures on their own bodies… um… I don’t know. Sounds pretty radical to me.

Wait. What was the middle thing...?

Rosie favors drastic social reform and wants to overturn society’s morals. She wants HER beliefs promoted and if you disagree you are hateful. Who is the radical?

I… hold on. Didn’t he just say all Christians want abortion, which is currently legal in 49 states, and most of the rest of the civilized world, made a crime? Wouldn’t that be promoting their beliefs and overturning society’s morals? And don’t Christians think anyone who disagrees with them is hateful, and, you know, when it’s about abortion, a babykiller?

And let’s just drag this out in the light where everyone can see it –

Yeah, the legalities of marriage have always, here in America and pretty much throughout the modern world, been denied to non-heterosexual couples. This is actually a violation of the U.S. Constitution, which is a pretty frickin radical document in its own right, and which among numerous other very radical items, guarantees equal protection of law to all American citizens. Rosie, hateful radical fat fag bitch that she is in the eyes of Coach Dave and all his fellow idiots, would like to have the same rights to the same legal process and the same legal status and the same legal protections as, you know, any other American citizen who gets married has, provided they marry someone with the opposite sort of plumbing from themselves.

This is, indeed, radical, but, as I’ve pointed out, so is pretty much the entire Constitution of the United States of America. The entire Bill of Rights was pretty much unheard of in human history at the time when it was formulated (and, as a side digression, let me point out, radical Christians, as well as the current Administration, are doing their best to make it unheard of all over again). ‘Radical’ is not the insult that radical Christians think it is. Sometimes, change is good. As a general rule, however, changing things back to the way they were before the Constitution came along and proposed all these previously unheard of ‘rights’ and ‘liberties’… well, that’s not only radical, but it’s the kind of radical change that most people (i.e., those who like having rights and freedoms) would consider to be bad.

So, let’s get this straight. Radical gay marriage advocates, like Rosie O’Donnell, want to change society by, basically, doing what the Constitution requires, and providing equal access to the law -- in this case, specifically, marriage -- to all American citizens.

Radical Christians, on the other hand, want to continue denying basic Constitutional rights to a significant percentage of their fellow citizens, just because, you know, they think they’re ickie. They want to make it illegal for some of their fellow citizens to get medical procedures they disapprove of, which would be a pretty radical and repressive change of the existing legal structure. They want to… well, never mind. They want to do a lot of fucked over shit. It is always safe to presume that anything assholes like this actually like about the way things currently are is something that badly needs to be changed, while anything they want to change (usually back to the way it was when, you know, we used to have legal slavery) is something we badly need to keep around. Radical Christians are dangerous goddam fucktards.

But this is depressing. Let’s get back to poking fun:

American children have ALWAYS prayed in school.

And boy are their arms tired. ::ba BUM ba::

Rosie and her friends want to prevent it and change all of America’s traditional values. Who is the radical?

He keeps repeating this over and over again. I think he thinks it’s rhetorical.

Men have carried guns since there was flint.

Okay. Look. Even a fucktard Creationist has to understand that flint was created before Adam, and Adam didn’t spring into fucking existence with a fucking Uzi in his hands. Not even a flintlock Uzi.

Now, within the context of actual science and actual geology and actual biology and actual history, flint existed on Earth a few million goddam years before humanity did, and humanity was around for probably a few hundred millennia before anyone got around to inventing guns. But I understand that Coach Blowtard here cannot comprehend that. However, even according to the friggin Bible, flint existed before people.

Rosie wants to do away with guns. Oh, unless she is protecting her own family, of course! She is for “drastic social reform,” which in the dictionary means she is a radical. She’s probably afraid of elephant hunters.

I’m afraid of elephant hunters. Crazy guys in bush hats trompling around with gigantic rifles trying to shoot endangered species? What’s not to be afraid of? I’m with Rosie. Let’s get rid of all the guns, except the ones she and I use to protect our respective families. I’m good with this program. I’m totally in.

A family has ALWAYS been a father, mother and kids.

It has. Absolutely. Except when it’s a dad and kids, or a mom and kids, or a dad and a mom and a grandparent and kids, or a dad and a grandparent and kids, or a grandparent and kids, or a mom and an uncle and somebody’s shiftless cousin who won’t get a job and kids… but, yeah, this is totally correct. A family has ALWAYS been a father, mother, and kids. Since, you know, men sprang into existence with a flintlock Uzi in their grubby little hands. Or even longer.

Rosie says men and women are the same and she wants it taught to our schoolchildren.

Yeah. That fucking no good Declaration of Independence and that god damned piece of shit U.S. Constitution both say pretty much the same thing, at least, in terms of trivial little things like equal application of the law, and the inalienable rights endowed by the Creator, and Rosie probably wants that taught to schoolchildren, too. What a bitch. Let’s kill her.

She wants to redefine the family, the building block of society. I could go on,

Nobody doubts that. But please don’t.

but suffice it to say that its pure narcissism at the root of her radicalism.

If only it sufficed him to say that. If. Only.

ABC and the media make me want to puke.

Yeah, I hated that Path to 9/11 thing, too.

Loud-mouthed she-men want to tell us how to raise our children, re-define all that is right and wrong, force us to accept their deviant behavior, and call us names when we don’t bend over and take it.

Yeah. Dammit. Only loudmouthed he-men like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and Dick Cheney can tell us how to raise our children, re-define all that is right and wrong, force us to accept their deviant behavior, and call us names if we don’t bend over and take it. Well, Dick will either shoot us or lock us up as an enemy combatant, too. But you see what I mean.

I’m sick of it and, actually, now looking for a barf bag.

Give me a second. I’ll sell you a slightly used one, cheap.

When will we wake up? How much more can you take?

Well, if this fucking thing doesn’t put me to sleep soon, not a whole lot more, true that.

I’ll say it….everyone else is afraid.

You’ve been saying that since third grade, Coach Dave. The fact is, we just don’t want to hang out with you. Sorry.

I’ve still got some Christian testosterone.

I got an email once from a guy who wanted to sell me a piece of the True Cross, but nobody has ever tried to convince me that they had some of Christ’s hormonal secretions before. How much do you want for a little plastic vial of the stuff?

Not only is Rosie O’Donnell a radical, she lives a perverted lifestyle.

Well, it’s more fun that way. Being a radical is hard work.

She is a bully who wants to force her form of deviancy on the rest of us, shove it down our throats and legislate that we accept it.

I… um… it takes one to know one? Yeah, yeah, there you go. It takes one to know one. Neener neener.

She thinks that because she is a rich, famous, spoiled celebrity that she knows what is best for all of us. SHE knows what’s right. SHE knows what’s best. SHE is a better person than the rest of is.

Speak for yourself. She’s not a better person than I am.

You’re a pervert, Rosie.

Dude, you’re talking to someone who isn’t even in the room with you. And now you’ve got me doing it, too. Fucker.

You are a horrible example for the children of America. You’re bombastic, arrogant, and condescending.

And, you know, Coach Dave isn’t any of those things.

Do us all a favor….go away. Leave us alone and stop pontificating your leftist bilge into our living room.

I should note here that I don’t like Rosie O’Donnell much, either. Unlike Coach Dave, though, I can figure out how to operate a TV remote control. Or, if one of the glorious females in my life insists on watching her for some insane and inscrutable female reason, I have enough basic physical coordination to go into another room. Coach Dave, on the other hand, is apparently paralyzed before his TV screen like a mouse before a cobra. Or something.

Save the hate speech accusation. I don’t hate you, I pity you.

This is Christian pity. It seems a great deal like hate to the uninitiated. But that’s just because we don’t know any better. Damn us. Damn us.

But I hate what you and your ilk are doing to America, as you line your pockets with money and your sidewalks with body guards.

Well… I hate money lined pockets and bodyguard lined sidewalks, too! I do! No, wait. I pity them. That’s it. Not hate. Pity. Them and their ilk. Yeah.

You are worse than the Taliban…your way or the highway…leading America down the path of destruction.

The highway and the path that the sharks are all swimming in! Goddam it! She IS worse than the Taliban! If only because in Afghanistan they don’t have any highways or streets, and their paths are too narrow for sharks to swim in, so you can’t lead anyone to destruction down them.

Oh, and by the way, there is no separation of church and state in America, you dummy.

Well, if there ever was any, it’s sure as shit diminishing by the fantosecond, I’ll grant you that.

With radicals like you, who needs terrorists?

I… so… without radicals like her, someone needs terrorists? Who? I don’t need any terrorists, whether Rosie hangs around or not, honest.

The Cultural Taliban will be our ruin.

Only if Angelina Jolie starts wearing a turban and/or a burqua. Then, yeah, I’m gettin me a gun and shootin me some Cultural Taliban ass, by God.

4 Comments:

At 8:10 AM , Anonymous The Aberrant Eye said...

I think his real problem with Rosie and Kelli is that neither one has any spaghetti to pull. Unless it's the ACLU, of course. It can't be that he's prejudiced, of course, because his dad wasn't. (All links provide further objective proof that, yes, this man is in fact crazier than a basketball bat.)

 
At 12:11 PM , Blogger Highlander said...

Yeah, but he's pretty typical of his religion and political persuasion nowadays, from what I can see. Non heterosexuals, non Christians, and non white people, simply by wanting to exist and have access to the same rights and opportunities as heterosexual white Christians, are evil hellbound bullies who are trying to overturn society and force their wicked ways down the throat of decent (white, heterosexual, Christian) people everywhere.

See, tolerating people we don't like is a grotesque invasion of our own God given and inalienable right not to tolerate people we don't like, and, in fact, to spit on them, tie them to trees, and throw rocks at their heads until they die. That's in the Constitution. Or if not, it's in the Bible, which is better than the Constitution, anyway.

 
At 4:19 PM , Blogger Opus P. Penguin said...

Arrgghh, what is it about human nature? Give them a pulpit and they'll eventually strangle themselves from it??

I used to like Rosie. You know, back when she was an actress and kept her mouth shut except to say her lines.

OK, here's what really ticked me off. My local NPR affiliate had a "forum" on religion and spirituality and how it effects your politics. The panel consisted of two Unitarian, ministers, two rabbis and a Buddhist, and they were slamming the "religious right" every chance they got. I'm no fan of Christianity, but are they even not allowed to be present to defend themselves? I thought NPR was supposed to be "open minded?"

Gotta blog about this further on my own media space. Plus this is all the time I'm allowed to sit for right now. Feh. Just when it's getting interesting.

 
At 8:33 PM , Blogger AaA said...

In a lot of ways I agree with you: this guy is a lying fat piece of crap as far as most of his 'factual' claims go. He's the kind of person that makes it difficult to be a Christian, because we get associated with him by default.

I can't say it any plainer than this: This guy is not, NOT, one of God's 'butt-buddies'. He's not even a worshipper. Christians are not hate-filled, bile-spewing jerks who want to run things. (I'm aware that you feel that my wanting most forms of abortion to be outlawed makes me a hate-filled, bile-spewing jerk who wants to run things, but I disagree with you.)

I very much doubt we can have a productive conversation on the topic of religion. Certainly not while you confuse whatever it is that mental midgets like Coach Dave preach the need for practicing (because Lord knows they ain't gonna practice it) with Christianity.

 

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