A while back, I promised my readers here a lexicon of call center phrases -- a veritable Rosetta Stone for customer service terminology, translating what a customer service representative tells you into its actual meaning. I've been jotting some of these down over the past few weeks, and now it's time to share:
We say: May I help you?
We mean: What the hell are you doing, calling me? Are you retarded? This job isn't bad enough without you bugging the shit out of me? Fuck off!
We say: Yes sir/ma'am, I would be more than happy to help you with that.
We mean: I hate you, I hate the clan which shares your cave, I hate the society which spawned you and which trapped me in this miserable dead end nightmare of a job listening to you, and I yearn for your prompt expiration and eternal damnation.
We say: That should take [vague period of time, carefully worded to sound more definite than it is] to get done for you.
We mean: I have no frickin' clue how long this will take, or if it will ever get done, and I don't care, because anyone who can afford to pay your monthly cell phone bills, or set aside $5,000 for their French goddam nanny and then complain that the IRS doesn't allow more per year for dependent care, is the sort of person who in any sane, reasonable world would have been long since marched to the guillotine alongside Louis XIV and Marie Antoinette.
We say: I sincerely apologize, sir/ma'am.
We mean: It's not my fault, it's not my problem, I'm not getting paid enough to care, I hope you die, please shut up and go away, NOW.
We say: Is there anything else I can do for you, sir/ma'am?
We mean: For the love of GOD for the love of GOD for the love of GOD please shut up and go away and leave me alone.
We say: May I place you on hold while I research this further?
We mean: The hold button is right next to the disconnect button on my console and guess which one I'm about to 'accidentally' press, dipshit?
And on that last one, let's take a brief look Behind The Scenes At A Typical Call Center:
YVONNE THE EVIL TEAM LEADER: This customer complained that you said you were going to put her on hold and then disconnected her.
ME: No, I put her on hold and then another call immediately beeped in and I had to take it. I don't know what happened. I think my phone is broken.
YVONNE: We've put in three repair tickets for your phone. Nothing is wrong with your phone. Why do you think this keeps happening?
ME: The Lord moves in mysterious ways, Yvonne.
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