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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Judge me by my size, do you?

How cool would it be if I could use the Force in day to day life? Well, it would be this cool:

ME: Thank you for calling Monkey Boy’s Call Center From Hell. How can I help you?
CALLER: Well, I sent you a claim two weeks ago and today I got a denial letter and…
ME: No, you didn’t.
CALLER: I… didn’t?
ME: No, you didn’t get anything in the mail today about this account. You are not in any way concerned about this account. You can be about your business.
CALLER: I am not in any way concerned about this account. I can be about my business.
ME: Thank you for calling, have a great day.

Of course, then my phone would immediately ring, and it would be the hateful bitch over in Quality who listens to every call I take because she just loves to catch me doing something bad. That would go like this:

ME: Hello?
HATEFUL QUALITY BITCH: What the hell are you doing? I don’t even know where to begin with that call. That was so terrible! You can’t just…
ME: It was the most wonderful call you have ever monitored.
HATEFUL QUALITY BITCH: It was the most wonderful call I have ever monitored.
ME: It was so wonderful you now realize you will never need to monitor any of my calls again.
HATEFUL QUALITY BITCH: You are correct, I will never need to monitor any of your calls again.
ME: Good. Now go get me a Pepsi.

Then there would be those aggravating feedback meetings with my supervisors.

RHONDA: Well, your adherence isn’t all that great, and your hold time is poor. Plus, you’ve been giving out incorrect information a lot. Honestly, I don’t see how we can hire you permanently.
ME: Your lack of faith… disturbs me. ::making a throttling gesture with one hand::
RHONDA: ::eyes popping out:: ACKK glllggggg URRRGGGG glllkkkkkkk

It would come in handy other times, too. Like when you’re at Wal-mart:

CASHIER: I’m sorry sir, we can’t give you a cash refund for this Season 1 DEADWOOD DVD set.
ME: Why not?
CASHIER: Well, because this is an empty paper bag that someone has scribbled DEADWOOD SEASON 1 on in crayon.
ME: Well, what do you want from me?
CASHIER: Well, sir, we need the actual product you are seeking a refund for.
ME: No, you don't. In fact, this is in such perfect condition you should give me a bonus.
CASHIER: Yes sir these are in such perfect condition I will give you a bonus. Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart.
ME: Oh no, thank YOU.

It would be useful on occasion at home, too.

SUPERGIRLFRIEND: Were you surfing porn sites again after I left this morning? There was a lot of porn URLs in the buffer.
ME: There are no porn URLs in the buffer.
SUPERGIRLFRIEND: What are you talking about, look at this, www.blondeonblonde.com, www.hothousewivesdoingeachother.com, www.soccermomsgonewild.com....
SUPER DRAMA TEEN: Huuh huuh huuh. He’s trying to use an old Jedi mind trick on you, mom.
ME: Quiet! No! I wouldn’t! Never! Search your feelings, Luke! You know it’s true!
SUPERGIRLFRIEND: I know it’s true I’m going to totally kick your ass if you leave porn URLs in the buffer while the kids are here again, mister.

So, okay, when you’re living with four females who are definitely not weak minded, the old Jedi mind trick isn’t going to do you much good. But still, the rest of the time it would be really cool.


At 4:00 PM , Anonymous Tammy said...

MOST of that was pretty funny...;)

And I don't think you could even pull that crap on Super Adorable Toddler, so make that FOUR women you live with who are not weak-minded...mister.

P.S. - these word verification things are a pain in the butt. Mostly, I don't worry much about 'em. They cut down on spam, etc....so, you deal. Sometimes, though, they crack me up. This one? nuzlet. Nuzlet. Heh. Sorry, I guess it was just me.

At 4:21 PM , Blogger Tony Collett said...

There was a supervisor named Rhonda at my last job that's partly responsible for my unemployment I wish I could choke-hold with the force. Or is that me obsessing over Star Wars again?

At 4:21 PM , Blogger Highlander said...

Yeah, I saw that same mistake and was fixing it while you were posting your comment. Because I agree, SuperAdorable Toddler would bitch slap me all over the place if I tried an old Jedi mind trick on her, too.

It was ALL funny, though. ;)

My verification word is dsynqc, which sounds like a dancing boy band who shriek and throw things at each other back stage a lot.

At 5:35 PM , Blogger Highlander said...


I actually posted my response to Tammy long before your comment showed up, so I don't know what the hell kind of ship Blogger is running here. Jesus.

Yeah, that's you obsessing on Star Wars. Only total geeks write about stuff like Star Wars on their blogs. Geez. Grow up. ;)

At 12:16 PM , Anonymous The always esteemed Scott said...

SuperAdorable Toddler would bitch slap me all over the place if I tried an old Jedi mind trick on her, too.

In my experience, many conversations with a 5 year old feel like someone's trying to do a Jedi Mind trick on me:

5yearold: Daddy, I want a horsy ride!
Me: Um, sweetie, I can't right now, okay? I'm trying to (something obviously completely irrelevant).
5yearold: Yes you can.
Me: No I can't, honey.
5yearold : YES.YOU.CAN.
Me: Yes I can.

Obviously I have a weak mind...

At 12:44 PM , Blogger Highlander said...

It's true. All 5 year olds are Masters of the Force. Well, the mental control parts, anyway. Their telekinesis is still spotty, though; that's why they do so much damage to the furniture.

I think the really adorable 5 year old girls have an advantage, though.

At 2:44 PM , Anonymous The always esteemed Scott said...

Their telekinesis is still spotty, though; that's why they do so much damage to the furniture.
Well, maybe. A two year old, on the other hand, has some scary-ass telekinesis powers. I think it was Bill Cosby that defined a two year old as any human "with a right hand reach of eight feet".

By the way, Highlander, I saw you post a comment on Alicublog recently, and your blog URL as noted in your comment is wrong; I tried clicking on it and it redirected me to some other site.
Just to tell you...

At 10:47 AM , Blogger Highlander said...

Thanks for letting me know. This blog's URL is overly long and lends to fat-fingering when I try to type it into a comment thread field. Not that there's much I can do about that besides try to be more careful.

As to children and their mastery of the Force, well, let's just be glad that it seems to wear off progressively as they get older.


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