Bush, Cheney seek one armed man

WASHINGTON - An embattled, unshaven, apparently somewhat hungover Scott McClellan today admitted that both President and Vice President have initiated an internal investigation probing the source of the various scandals plaguing the Administration.

"They're looking for a one armed man," McClellan muttered, eyes cast down, face suffused with a look of utter self loathing chagrin.

In response to follow up questions, McClellan admitted surlily, "The President and Vice President both now seem to remember seeing a one armed man lurking around the White House hallways whenever any of these questionable incidents was about to occur. The President believes he was dressed as a maintenance man; the Vice President says he might have been a gardener. Whatever the case, both of them are pretty sure this one armed man was probably in a position to overhear certain conversations, such as entirely internal discussions of Valerie Plame's status as a CIA operative."

McClellan, under further prodding from an admittedly incredulous press corps, added, "Vice President Cheney is fairly certain this one armed man might also have had access to pre-war intelligence, and may have doctored it extensively before it came to the attention of him or the President."

When asked how a one armed maintenance worker, or gardener, could possibly have gotten access to such highly classified material, McClellan rolled his eyes, shuffled several index cards in his hands, then, in a monotone, said "There is reason to believe this one armed man was a terrorist spy equipped with sophisticated Soviet electronic surveillance equipment." He then stopped, peered closely at the card, took out a pencil, and vigorously scratched something out on it, penciling in something else. "I'm sorry. North Korean electronic surveillance equipment," he tacked on tonelessly.

He then announced that the FBI is conducting a search for the one armed man. "Also," he added, seeming rather weary of the whole thing, "President Bush told me today that he had personally contacted Aquaman of the Justice League, and the JLA is also on the case." McClellan gave an odd, shrill little chuckle at that point and wiped a fleck of spittle from the corner of his mouth. "I guess he's going to come here and interview all the goldfish in the offices, or something..."

McClellan ended the briefing at that moment, saying he really needed a drink.